the sushi crumbles
as I poke it
with a fork

a fork
sushi crumbles
I poke it

sushi roll crumbles
grandpa pokes it
with a fork

•

twirled around my fork
a hair of the angel
dangles over the thick sauce

twirling around
hair of an angel
dangling over thick sauce

•

sleeping bags
plentiful amount of tents
stars twinkling

starw twinkling
tents and sleeping bags

sleeping bags
and tents
beneath twinkling stars

For me, the original wording was a bit awkward in the second line. I'm not sure if the "plentiful amounts of" was necessary for creating imagery, but if the author wanted to keep with the thought of a lot of tents, then he or she could also simply use "many tents" as the second line. If the number of tents is not necessary for the author's purposes, then I think that the edit above would work better.

sleeping bags
plentiful tents
twinkling stars

my shoulders rise
to my ears
along with the stress

stress
my shoulders rise
to my ears

shoulders rise
to meet
the stress

shoulders rise
to my ears
stress

shoulders rise
to ears
stress

shoulders and stress
to my ears
rise

shoulders rise
along with stress
to my ears

along with the stress
to my ears
my shoulders rise

shoulders rise
to my ears
stress hovers above

The haiku is very relatable; it just needed to be polished a tad bit. I decided to remove the first “my” in the first line because it is too repetitive when also used in the second line. I then changed around the third line to make it sound creative and give a more interesting mental picture.

dusk
my date with the clay
just begins

dusk—
my date with clay
begins

dusk
date with clay
beginning

my date with the clay
at the wheel begins
dusk

dusk
staring at clay
it begins

dusk
my date with the clay
begins

I don't think that the "just" in the third line is necessary, and it could therefore be cut without being detrimental to the haiku as a whole. Another possible edit for this haiku would be:

dusk
clay
my pottery date begins

dusk settles in
the date with clay
just begins

I actually already loved this poem, so all I did was tweak it slightly to intrigue my personal senses even more. I decided to almost give “dusk” a personification by having it “settle in.” I personally received a more vivid image from that description that just dusk. I also removed the word “my” so to make it more general and allow the reader to put whoever they want in their mental image.

She laughs
Not for humor
But the sake
Of not crying

among friends
laughing
she hides tears

she laughs
no humor
. . . no crying

she laughs
no humor
. . . no crying

surrounded
she laughs
to avoid tears

I think that this change would improve the imagery of the haiku, as well as taking away some excess wordiness. I think that the edited haiku gives a better setting for the reader, while still keeping the main message and tone of the piece.

for the sake
of not crying
she laughs

Uncle’s joke
she laughs
no humor . . . no crying

no food provided
on the weekends
cereal it is

no food
weekend
cereal

weekend cereal
food not provided

no food provided
on weekends
cold cereal

the struggle
no food provided
on the weekends

my stomach aches
no food on weekends
cereal it is

no food provided
on the weekends
cereal once again

weekend
no food provided
settling for cereal

impossible
light a cig in midnight wind
and existential mania

impossible
lit cigarette in midnight wind
existential mania

impossible
to light a cig
midnight wind

an existential mania
light a cig in midnight wind
impossible

lighting a cig
midnight wind
impossible

impossible task
an existential mania
light a cig in midnight wind

an existential mania
impossible
light a cig in the midnight wind

thin dorm walls
midnight on a thursday
I hear singing

midnight on thursday
paper thin walls
I hear singing

midnight
thin dorm walls
I hear singing on thursday

I hear singing . . .
through paper thin walls
midnight on a thursday

Midnight
I hear singing
Through thin walls

i hear singing
midnight, thursday
thin dorm walls

thin dorm walls
midnight thursday
singing

thin dorm walls
midnight on Thursday
singing

•

zebra umbrella
shelter from
a wild storm

zebra print shelter
protecting me—
a wild storm

so much to say
opening mouth
. . . silence

so much to say
open mouth
. . . silence

opening mouth
so much to say
. . . silence

standing in silence
too much to say
open mouth

open mouth
so much to say
. . . but can't

open mouth
so much to say . . .
silence

mouth opens
with much to say
silence

so much to say
from opened mouth
. . . silence

I love the feeling that the original haiku produces, but it sounds fairly choppy. My goal in editing the haiku was to improve the flow of the poem so it sounded more cohesive and like they were meant to be together. I found that the first and third lines were great as they are, but the second line is where I was thrown off and found the haiku became choppy. I decided to change the line so it almost sounded like a sentence with the line before it, but did not have any unnecessary filler words.

in the midst
of monochrome
she radiates color

amidst
the monochrome
she radiates color

though monochrome
surrounds her
she radiates color

She radiates color
In a mist of
Monochrome

raidiating color
she drifts
through monochrome

in monochrome
She radiates
. . . color

•

red couch
New York City
there for you

In New York City
The red couch
Will be there for you

New York City
the red couch here
for you