Haiku to Edit 1
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Summer 2020
To edit a haiku, begin by reading & imagining the scene of the haiku.
Is is clear? Can you tell where this is happening?
Does it establish an atmosphere or overall mood?
Then consider the four possible ways of editing and coming up with alternative versions:
1 - CUT anything that is unneccesary or repeated information
(watch out NOT to lose the natural conversational tone)
(we don't want broken jambles of words)
(a haiku is NOT a list of things)
2 - ADD more senory detail if there is not enough to establish a context
(is your haiku all commentary? just thoughts?)
(would a kigo or seasonal image enrich the haiku?)
(are you explaining instead of showing?)
3 - REPLACE a weak word, phrase or verb with a more evocative one
ie: (instead of "walk" you could say "stumble, amble, tiptoe, stroll")
(replace plurals that tend to generalize with a specific instance)
(instead of bird how about the specific bird?)
4 - REARRANGE the furniture
(try moving the last line to first, or switch the phrases)
(try to follow the order or movement of perception or insight)
(rephrase half of the haiku for better conversational flow)
(consider shifting the pause, silence or break in the haiku)
(consider breaking lines or making it a monoku)
1 sleepovers I like this memory of a sleepover at Grandma's house. To make it a memory of one time (which will PUT US THERE), let's replace the plural and rearrange the furniture slightly. sleepover at grandma's or sleepover at grandma's house or sleepover at grandma's |
2 fairy doors This is a playful haiku starup, but it reads like a sentence. We need more of a haiku cut. Also the second half is just explaining instead of showing us. We need to add a second image that suggests or implies "unlocked imaginations". When you ADD, this probably goes beyond what the author intended. So needed additions like these REALLY NEED TO BE DONE by the author (or at least with the author's collaborative imagination). fairy doors or fairy house door or fairy door open |
3 playing catch Three ing verbs in one haiku. Wow, that's a lot of action. Sometimes editors suggest that most haiku have only one or no verbs. This haiku has a lot going on, so how do we follow the focus or movement of perception? It is kind of a list of things happening at once. So let's rearrange & rephrase this and establish ONE haiku cut instead of two. Can someone drink gatorade while playing catch and watching the ball soar? Would it soar from a throw or is that a pop fly? Hmmmm. drinking Gatorade Maybe this is better. This edit tries to establish perspective . . . where we are we seeing this action. |
4 smoky grill Again a list of three things. We need to connect two into one phrase. I like the contrast of hot and cold in this one. smoky grill Maybe that's a little too much alliteration in the second line. How about: ice from the cooler |
5 old houses Again the plurals are getting in the way and this reads too much like a sentence. We need a haiku cut or pause somewhere. slowing down past |
6 white dress Again three phrases and two breaks. Let's merge two into one phrase. I like the name farewell. her white dress or white dress But I like the goodbye to the name better! |
7 tiny dog This one is very clear & cute but written as a sentence. How about rearranging the furniture? And let's make it happening right now in the present. more thunder |
8 damp from last night's rain This one is interesting but a little wordy and long. Cut! Then let's see what we've got. damp from last night's rain Not bad. Reminds me of playing golf early in the morning with dew on everything. Every putt left a trail across the green. |
9 Paw-paw's pick-up truck I love this endearment for grandpa and lots of images. I'm having trouble putting this all together though. Maybe's it's really two haiku? in the glovebox and double caskets |
© 2020, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.