Haiku to Edit 1

Global Haiku • Millikin University • November 2012

Cut unnecessary words.
Add more context or sensory content.
Rearrange the furniture.
Replace (cut and add) to enrich & strengthen.

Haiku are rarely complete sentences. Often verbless. Avoid shopping list haiku. We want phrasing & music. Give us pause.
Author's favorite is indicated in bold.

trumpets
in the convertible
makes him smile

trumpets
in the convertible
his smile

 

 


salty tears
on the cheek
military wife

On her cheek
flows salt
Military wife

on her cheek
salty tears
military wife

salty tears
running down her cheek
a military wife

water running
lathered soap
tight curls

lathering soap
daughter's curls
in the running water

soap lathers
in the water
tight curls

Red Truck
Country dirt roads and music
Daddy and I

Country
Roads and music
Daddy and I

red Chevy
      country music and dirt roads
Daddy and me sing along

dirt roads
music in red truck
Daddy

dirt roads and music
red truck
Daddy and I

Red Truck
Country roads
Music

red truck
on country roads
Daddy and I

 

slippers on . . .
warm cup of tea
in hand

slippers on . . .
a cup of tea
warms my hands

slippers on. . .
cup of tea
warms my hand


little boys on the bench
strikeouts and homeruns
life lessons

strikeouts
boys on the bench
life lessons

little boys on the bench
strikeouts . . .
life lessons

little boys at the plate
earn strikeouts and homeruns
life lessons

Little boys on the bench
Umpires calls
Teach life lessons

laughter all around
diving boards and slides
whistles

laughter
on the water slide
whistles

diving boards
slides
whistles

Whistles and laughter
all around
the diving boards

fresh fallen snow
angels
hot chocolate

hot chocolate
in fresh fallen snow
angels

fresh fallen
snow angels
hot chocolate

 

 

papers cover
the wood desk
weighing me down

papers
on the wood desk
weighing me down

weighing me down
papers cover . . .
the desk

wood desk
covered in papers
weigh me down

wood desk
papers cover
weighing me down

summer night
cool ripe tomatoes
salt shaker

ripe tomatoes
salt shaker
summer night

cool ripe tomatoes
on a summer night
salt shaker

summer night
ripe tomatoes with
salt

Front porch steps on a summer night
Cool ripe tomatoes
And a salt shaker in my hand

skinny dipping
cold dirty lake water
bubbles arise

skinny dipping
in the murky water
bubbles . . .

skinny dipping
in the cold water
bubbles . . .

poker parties at the big round table
Grandma's house
little me

Grandma's big table
at her poker party
little me

poker party
at Grandma's house
little me

poker parties
at Grandma's round table
little me


drifting snow
whistling wind in the attic
warmth of the fire

drifitng snow
with a whistle in the attic
a fireplace

whistling wind
from the attic
warm fire

Snow adrift
Wind whistles in the attic
Fire warmth

drifting snow
whistling wind
warmed by the fire

Whistling wind
in the attic
warm fire.

 

 

fresh fallen snow
cookies baking
at grandma's house

freshly fallen snow
warm cooking
at grandma's house

Grandma's house
      fresh baked cookies
new fallen snow

cookies
at Grandma's house
fresh fallen snow

fresh snow
Grandma's cookies

fresh snow
fresh cookies
at grandma's house

snow
cookies baking
grandma's house

Fresh fallen snow
Outside grandma's house
Inside warm baked cookies

© 2012, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.