English 170—Set 3, Spring 2003
|
the crunch
of snow Jessica May (3) |
the flame
that killed |
deep cold |
|
a new poem |
icy moonlight
or icy moonlight |
winter
night or a warm
kiss |
|
summer
afternoon Bill Flowers This one is my absolute favorite. I think almost everyone has experienced this situation, and it creates a very vivid personal response. I think of a sweaty hot summer day, with condensation streaming off pop cans and flies buzzing lazily around paper plates of cookout food. As I have a serious hatred of flies as well, this haiku really speaks to me vividly. —Alyson Ludek |
New Year's
Day |
rolling
over |
|
beginning
of winter |
thin mist or mist falling or thin mist
or thin mist |
New Year's
morning or hangover New Year’s
morning New Year’s
hangover |
|
river fog Jennifer Griebel (9) |
icicles
drip Jennifer Griebel (3) |
midwinter
night |
|
winter
frost Alyson Ludek (3) |
night air
too cold for lungs or cold night
air or a tanka cold night
air |
winter
drizzle |
|
red, green,
yellow, orange or fall at
my feet This is more suggestive without having to directly name your palette. Also, the first edit sounds more like a statement or something matter of fact. This allows a more emotional tone. —EO falling
at my feet |
brisk evening
walk Amy Soderberg (4) |
snow ball |
|
summer
evening |
last year |
i miss
no one or listening
to the rush I think rush sounds a little better than swish, I just do not think of cars as swishing. Also, the meat of the haiku seems to be the line, I miss no one, so it would stand to reason that it would be the last line for a more powerful statement. —EO listening
to the swish |
|
margo says
it's funny about stars or childlike
in wonder or child-like
wonder |
lazy sunlight |
|
called
to the office Miranda Baker |
first candlelight
dinner |
just another
day or another
day I think the sense of this activity being the same old thing is better represented when it is not obviously named. Also there is no clear-cut image of who is present during the scene. Perhaps by adding we, the reader can get a cleared image of this being a typical childhood memory. —EO |
|
first step Julie Forehand (4)
|
long day |
night's
end Alyson Ludek (8) This haiku is very nicely written. It creates a beautiful, and romantic image without telling us anything about it. We are able to make our own decision. The fact that her dress is a puddle shows me that this woman is cared about. If not, the dress would just be thrown around, but there is something about the dress as a puddle that is soft and gentle, which for me sets the whole tone of the scene and emotion of the scene. —Christopher Bronke |
|
slow dance Alyson Ludek I'm writing about the slow dance haiku. This one takes me back to Junior High. I remember how nerve racking it was to slow dance with that boy. The girls would giggle in the corner with their girlfriends hoping her would ask her to dance. The boys would lean up against the wall talking about sports and pretended they didn't want to ask that girl to dance. Finally the girl would end up asking the boy to dance and he'd say sure like it was a huge chore, but in his heart he's so glad she asked. Even as the butterflies flutter in their stomachs the girl suppresses a cringe as she feels the back of his damp shirt. It's all silly now, but then it was so important, and somehow this simple haiku captures all of that for me. —Jennifer Greibel |
last dance Alyson Ludek (4) Termiere
danse translated by Thomas Bausardo |
winter's
seclusion |
|
midwinter
night I don't get the loneliness—did they have a fight? Or is she with someone when she would rather be with someone else? I think it is too vague and changing the last line would help. —CG |
cold moon I believe this Haiku has too many seasonal words in it, "cold" and "winter." —MB What moment is he/she lost in? Because it is winter does that mean he/she is mourning over the loss of a loved one and they get lost in the moment? Or is it just a beautiful clear night that it is overwhelming? I think I just need a little more about the moment and the feeling it is trying to get across—as of now I have no clue how to read it. —CG or bright
moon |
no electricity or first snow
storm |
|
charcoal
fire |
cold chill
or cold chill
creeps |
under the
blanket Jessica May (4) or under the
blanket I think this Haiku is too wordy. Maybe the author can put, "their bare legs" instead of "two pairs of bare legs." —MB or under the
blanket or bare legs
or under the
blanket |
|
midnight I like the idea of this one. However, I think there are too many words that begin with a "w." I think it sounds kind of funny. Perhaps we could take out winter or change the word water to lake or pond. —CG midnight
stars |
she reads
the Bible or I think
that by putting the second line first, they could more effectively create
a picture in which the reader zooms in and sees what is happening: on the
rocky lakepoint |
he is trapped
I guess I don't get the last line. What does the author mean by his/her compass? Is that metaphorical? Maybe I just don't know that much about medical terminology or something. Also, I am not sure if I am supposed to feel sympathy for him because he is sick or if I am supposed to see the situation kind of ironic or funny or something. —CG room 106
down the hall or teddy bears
& gift-shop balloons |
|
steaming
chocolate Paul Schershel I don't think the word outside has to be used in this Haiku. Snow falling outside is already implied. —MB snow fall |
breeze
in the paper birches Ryan Jones (7) again,
just rearraging issues and focus problems. Perhaps if the whispering
was more personal, such as a name being spoken- to the author, the reader
could feel a more eerie sensation that the earth was a tangeable entity.
"Paper" is an excellent way to describe the birches,
though. Very vivid.
—JM breeze
in the paper birches— breeze
in the paper birches— breeze
in the paper birches— |
first calligraphy
lesson Out of the ones that I chose, this one is my favorite one. I had this really nice white shirt that makes me think of something that a Japanese girl would wear and I can imagine myself wearing it while trying my hand at calligraphy. I find that sometimes when I’m trying to print or write out something by hand that I have trouble getting my fingers to do what I want them to do and sometimes I drop my pen or pencil; I can only imagine how much of a struggle a first calligraphy lesson would be for me. —Amy Soderberg |
|
first mist This haiku is too vague. The author needs to clarify or suggest why they reaffirm his/her resolutions. —MB |
the anthem Keith Johansen This particular haiku gives me the feeling of being outside in the summer right away. It is so nice to sit outside in the summer, especially at night. This gives me the feeling of a person sitting outside just listening to all of the things going on around them. They are not thinking about anything in particular, just dreaming of the world around them. The crickets are almost singing a song to them. It seems like they are in rhythm and everything, even though they are just chirping away. This haiku gives a very warm feeling to the reader and that is what I like about it. Personally, I really like sitting outside in the summer and listening to the crickets sing. This is why I picked this haiku as one of my favorites. —Aaron Meyer or crickets’
song again,
I think making the last line first puts more power on the focus of the
haiku, which is not merely the criket's singing . . . but the fact that
IT IS the anthem of summer. Also, making "sing" "song"—
meshing the collective into one will give it more power . . . crickets'
song— l'hymne translated by Célie Rigaudière |
mosquitoes
buzz at my ear |
|
through
the blinding snow Courtney Ruffner à
travers la neige aveuglante translated by Sophie Greiner |
Hadrian’s
Wall |
rainbow
butterfly Xiu Ying Zheng papillon
aux couleurs de l'arc-en-ciel translated by Sophie Greiner un papillon
arc-en-ciel translated by Célie Rigaudière |
|
damp, hard
metal or damp car
hood one shooting
star |
five inches
forecasted Jessica May (4) |
the snake
|
|
12:44 a.m. or alone at
night deep into
the night without
her touch without
her touch lonely
shiver lonely
shiver lonely
shiver |
ocean-side or ocean-side I thought this flowed well up until the end which was too choppy. "cool drink in hand" would that work, rather than just ending it, "cool drink" —CG |
a room
of standing people Chrissy Hulse This haiku made my mind jump to the future. Although I have yet to meet the man of my dreams and won't be married for some time, I often think about what my wedding day will be like. This haiku describes exactly what I feel when thinking about my future wedding. My dad will walk me down the aisle and everyone will stand up as I approach. I can't wait to be a bride and to be able to really live that experience. It's something I long for and this haiku captures the moment brilliantly. —Courtney Ruffner |
|
trees overhead Chrissy Hulse As I read this haiku I imagined myself inside this almost tunnel of trees, walking underneath them, and being consumed by them. Almost like there is nothing or no one else in the world there at that moment which brings in the silence to me. Then watching the trees move silently is saying to me that you are almost blocking out everything and every sound as you watch these trees moving. The walking home to me just gives me a sense of direction and that this haiku is actually taking me somewhere, not just surrounding me but actually directing me somewhere. —Liz Hattan |
a bonfire Keith Johansen (6) |
cucumber
salad Ryan Jones |
|
tenth time
down the hill |
beads on
my forehead or stomach
growls |
sapphire
ring Erin Osmus or sapphire
ring |
|
yellowed
love letters Erin Osmus (8) I liked this Haiku because it reminded me of when I save things. For example, I had a boyfriend for 5 years, all through high school. I saved letters, pictures, balloons, flowers and etc in a shoebox. When I was cleaning my room over Christmas break, I ran across this shoebox. I looked through it and it brought back happy memories of when Rich and I were together. —Miranda Baker For this haiku, I imagined an older woman in her seventies. She is really old and sick. She is weak and has been in bed for several months. This day she is feeling a little better than usual, so she got up and started to dig through the various drawers in her room. She came across this drawer on the very bottom. Inside were old love letters she received from her deceased husband in their younger years when they were first dating. Reading through them made her weep and all of a sudden misses him very much. Knowing that her health is getting worse and worse was saddening for her before, now she is accepting it because she can imagine going to heaven and being with her husband again. Even though this wasn't mentioned in the haiku, I imagined her burning her love letters. She felt that when she's gone there will no longer be any significance for these letters. When she's burning them, she is carving every word in her hearts, where they belongs. —Xiu Ying Zheng |
handful
of nails Tricia Scholl This is really a great haiku for me. As a kid, I was always trying to build a tree house or really anything else I could think of. Everyday my friends and I would think of new things to build. Well, we never really built anything, but it was fun to imagine. —Keith Johansen |
bell rings or bell rings |
|
a shift
in the wind |
beginning
to sprinkle |
warm summer
breeze |
|
he sits
close or on the
red picnic blanket Candace Golden (2) |
a gentle
breeze |
warm summer
breeze |
|
bales fly
through the air |
mazes of
bales Courtney Ruffner (2) |
dimmed
lights |
|
tears of
joy, |
six purple
roses |
in my car
|
|
driving
Matt Whitsett (8) I really like this haiku because I can relate to it. I picture myself back in high school during volleyball season of my senior year. We were playing in the Regional Championships against a team we had already beaten twice that season. So, needless to say we were all very excited and ready for this game. We came to play, and we came to win, but that all changed during the game. My team played horrible, and we lost to a team that wasn't half as good as we were. On the way home, no one talked. We all sat in silence the whole 20 minutes home. I just kept replaying that game in my mind. I was thinking what I could have done to help us win, and I was rethinking mistakes that I made during the game. I just couldn't believe that my volleyball career was over. —Stacey Orr This last one appealed to me because I grew up very active in sports. This one made me think of many instances where I was driving home from having a not so tremendous game of soccer or baseball with the radio off and I'm decide to vent in silence. The one particular instance was after my last game of high school soccer when a few of my seniors and I drove separately to Steak 'n Shake and I sat in silence with my jersey still on thinking about all the great memories I had playing high school soccer and wondering where the future would lead me. It was a chilly fall night and I smelled like sweat and dirt. It was a few minutes of great reflection that I will always remember. —Bill Flowers |
feeling
empty or This poem has great meaning, and I know the exact thought that the author is trying to convey. I think the poem needs a reference to the atmosphere or the surroundings to give it better imagery. I think remedy should be replaced by a different word, and I don't think the is needed in the 3rd line. —JG I find myself in this situation many times. I, too, always found it relieving when I simply drive my car for no reason and cranking up my music really helps. It seems to fill my head that way. I thought 'feeling empty' is not strong enough to express the true feelings. It might have a better impact if a stronger phrase is used. Also, to allow more people to be able to relate to this, and to make it simpler, the 'driving down the road' part could be removed. But this phrase may have a special meaning to the author. —XZ driving down the
empty road driving
alone or I feel that this poem might be more powerful if the author gave us the sense of emptiness without directly telling us that he or she feels empty. Additionally, I feel the same way about the last line. I think the author could simply make us feel the healing power of the music without simply saying that the music is the remedy. Another phrase could perhaps even better capture that healing power by describing how it heals. My suggested edit: driving
down the road |
winter
night or The an
in the 2nd line is not needed. I like the order of the last line,
but I think there could be a better word used in place of enters such
as creeps into, slithers into, or curls into. —JG winter
night winter
night winter
night or This haiku very simply depicted the experiences in the winter. When I'm doing my homework in my room, I utmost hate it when someone would come in and not shut the door behind them. I get so comfortable to the temperature in my room that it just feels so chilly when someone comes in and leads the cold wind in with them too. The one suggestion I have is to change the word 'enter' in the third verse. I think it may have a better effect if another word is used, such as 'sneak.' —XZ winter
night |
|
howling
wind |
impatient
boys |
she buries
her head or I really like what the author has done with this image in its awakening of both the visual image, as well as the sense of touch. However, I feel that this poem needs a sort of stillness in order to bring out the focus on the last line, "bodyheat." This sense of stillness could be brought out by removing the action from the first two lines (see suggestion below for example). —BH her head
buried |
|
dad sits
back |
rapid water Paul Schershel (7) or the rapids
. . . |
never-ending
walk or This haiku prompted me to imagine the globe. It indicates that the world is round and if one tries to circle around the world, it's never-ending! Centuries ago, people thought the world was flat and there was an end to it. The haiku also made to think that everyone that lives in this world should work together and live in peace. I thought maybe the words 'sound of' in the third verse didn't seem to play too much effect. It could possibly be removed. I also thought by replacing it with the word 'peace,' it would create an even stronger image of the togetherness of the world, and everyone should live in peace. Possible edits: never-ending
walk never-ending
walk |
|
charging
big wheel |
clear sky Christopher Bronke (6) ciel clair
translation by Courtney Ruffner |
the sound
of horns or the sound
of horns After reading
this poem a few times I understand that the contrast is between the
loudness of a horns and a soft kiss, but despite its softness, it was
still louder than the horns. It's a great image, but I have trouble
seeing it the way it's written. In the first line the is not needed,
and the 2nd line needs some work. —JG sound of
horns sound of
horns the sound
of horns |
|
terminal
illness Ryan Jones (2) maladie
incurable translated by Lila Lakehal |
summer
games |
backyard
football |
|
spring
evening Ryan Jones (7) Soir
as prentemps translated by Thomas Bausardo |
midday
nap |
pilot’s
lesson |
©
2003, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.