|
cheeks red first
date yes, the first date needs to come first, but are the cheeks red because of embarrassment of because of the cold? where are they on this first date. this one's not working for me. too many verbs first
date first
date skating
rink our
first date ice
patch-- |
at the crosswalk at
the crosswalk
shoveling
the driveway snow
falls with
my shovel, snow covered
car locks
frozen door
handle door
handle |
crystals
of snow my
feet alone
in the drifts Maureen and I came up with this new version in class. She didn't like how the first haiku conveyed a feeling of loneliness. She had only intended it to state how she was alone in the snow and her feelings in the moment. alone snowstorm
crystals socks soaked
through hot
cocoa |
|
a snow covered
hill snow
covered hill |
Bright night we
sled after dark |
dawning light dawning
light dawning
light |
|
glass streets glass
streets walking home walking
home pine needles pine
needles |
flakes falling
all day snow
flakes falling falling
snowflakes flakes
falling rolling in
the snow rolling
the snow |
unable to
see beautiful
winter day Perfect
winter day hot cocoa
from scratch
homemade cocoa inches of
snow inches
of snow |
|
the first
flake falls by
the fireplace first
flake
first snow fall five blankets chapstick |
little marshmallows floating
marshmallows wet
snow pants wet
snow pants marshmallows tiny
marshmallows |
drain blocked
placid late night
on the L snowplowed
pile snowplowed
pile bright snowsuits |
|
cold toes following
Daddy— big
snowy footprints a touch of
ice the
tip of my glove yes, the touch of ice needs to be the last thing felt here. can we suggest where this is a little more? touching icicles? a window? a
small hole a
small hole a
small hole small
hole |
crisp and
clear I don't even know where to start with this, what are they? The haiku is too vague for me. I can't get a clear picture. There needs to be a clearer subject than a reflection and ice. —Katie nearby
reflection lay down bed
of snow slipping
on ice snow fight snow
fight |
he
skates quickly school's
cancelled school
cancelled empty
school parking lot snowdrifts snow
day school's
cancelled eager children snow
day-- |
|
rows of cookie
dough rows
of cookie dough Maureen and I sensed the awkwardness of the word From in the first haiku. We tried substituting different words, and we also looked at replacing the word sheet, but after examining it on my own, I came up with this version. Green carpet Green
carpet The first version of this haiku seemed too choppy, and we assumed that she meant to communicate that the green carpet was covered with snow not the open door. We rearranged and found that this conveyed a stronger image, and contained the break that is associated with haiku. |
first love first
love jailhouse
window (still needs some context of where this window is) car
window who's seeing it? giggling
girls first
love |
first snowflakes first
snowflakes first
snowflakes vacation vacation ski
lodge Christmas
vacation Dad’s
old sled Dad's
old sled |
|
ice to my
lips ice
to my lips iced
lips drink
to my lips huge hill Huge
snowy hill |
winter storm winter
storm night winter
night anticipation huddled
around the dorm fingers
gripping |
sleek new
skates the moon's
reflection my
night turns Before the haiku seemed like one big sentence; this way it has the standard break. moon's
reflection |
|
snow covered
lawn Mom's
perfect lawn fresh
snow white
lawn fresh
new snow fresh
new snow |
every branch a
single tree winter
branches out of breath we
reach the top a white blanket |
the red sled red
sled wind
in her face snow covers
the street paved
with ice, snow
covered streets |
©
2004, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.