Haiku Seeking Edits & Response 1 Edited

Global Haiku Tradition--Haiku Attempts Edited1, Spring 2006

sitting in the back yard
the setting sun
the lull of an engine

from the back yard
we watch a sunset
the lull of an engine

climbing up
CB rambling
time with my dad

The “moment” of this haiku is very good, but I think the author was maybe trying to include too much detail into little lines. I wasn’t sure which aspects to hone in on, so I tried a couple different ways. In the first revision I basically just reworded the 1st and 3rd lines to create a sharper image. Then, in the second two I focused on the aural details surrounding the moment—I included the CB radio and then added the sounds that Dad is making—this way, the original last line can be omitted but the “time with dad” is still implied. Melanie
Revised Versions:

climb onto the seat
CB rambling
work with Dad

climb in the cab—
CB radio
and Dad’s voice

over CB rambling
Dad shouts,
“Climb in, son”

sleepy musicians
watch the sun rise
a yellow school bus

sleepy musicians
watch the sun rise—
from a yellow school bus

I like the addition of the word “from,” it adds a bit more flow. The dash adds a nice pause between the second and third lines.

on a yellow school bus,
sleepy musicians
watch the sun rise

This rearrangement of the lines also changes the flow, and gets the reader into the experience more. Sarah

sleepy (or drowsy?) musicians
coaxed by a (or the) sun rise
from a yellow school bus

This haiku seemed a little bit “list-like.” I added the word “from” to make it flow more then it’s original. I also did not like the word “watch” here. If these musicians are sleepy, they are not going to intently “watch” anything, so I replaced it with the word “coaxed” to show they are caught off-guard by the sun-rise. Faith

names on stones
no longer used by tenants
live on in those loved

names engraved
on stones of the those
we never forget

I see for miles
curled up in a blanket
down here

For this author I would suggest being more specific with her imagery. It seems that she wants to transport me somewhere and that it be personal to me, but if I have no direction I am lost. Adam

bundled in the quilt
the sumptuous sunset
waves good-bye

submersed in woolen blankets
I see the truck drive away
for the last time

I think this poem is in need of a little more detail. I like the image I get with “curled up in a blanket,” but I’m kind of lost as to where I’m curled up. “Down here” could be possibly at an ocean shore, in a southern town, or maybe even just lying on the ground looking up at the sky. I also think it’d be better if we had some sense of what they’re looking at, even if it’s just a color or something simple like that. Liz

Variations:

curled up in a blanket
seeing blue for miles
ocean scent

curled up in a blanket—
never-ending tides
tickle my toes

icy metal wrench
cold concrete under the trunk
where I lay fixing

EDIT: I get the clear feeling of the cold garage, but the final line really does nothing for me. I might guess that it has a double meaning: a person fixing a car but they are the one who really needs to be fixed, or that working on a vehicle is in itself rejuvenating. However, I just don’t know what the author is thinking or feeling. The sense of touch is clear with the cold touching his back and the icy metal touching his hand, but what about the other senses? Traci

Cold concrete under the trunk
straining for decimal sounds
my mother’s wrench

new books new backpack
a nervous young girl waits in line
outside the school

I think the initial image and topic of this haiku are really good. We’ve all been in this situation, so we can all relate to how the little girl is feeling. The main thing I’d say about this haiku as far as editing is concerned is that there might be a little too much detail. You could probably say the same thing in simpler terms by taking out some words, or even just replacing some to get the same image. Liz

Variations:

nervous little girl
price tags dangling
stares at the new school

brand new supplies
for kindergarten—
still nervous

new books, new backpack
a girl looks behind her
waiting for the bell

new backpack
she waits in line
anxious first day

new backpack for school
waiting in line
with her

new backpack
she waits in line
the hot asphalt

brand new notebook
clutched nervously
first day

The first and second line seem a bit long. Maybe if only new books or new backpack were in the first line it would help. I think that nervous is already implied by the new books or new backpack. The waiting in line doesn’t add anything to the other senses besides sight. So maybe take it out. Alisha

new backpack
a young girl waits
nervously

new books
outside the school
a young girl waits

I like the image conveyed in this haiku, but it is too long. Rick. Some edits I came up with were:

new backpack
waiting in line
glares of schoolchildren

new backpack
nervous young girl
waits outside the school

late evening sun
covering the swimming pool
a good book

I look up
from my book—evening sun
across the swimming pool

stroking the lyre
goals unfinished
dreams revoked

For this author I would tell her to choose a single subject and stick with it, and again add specificity to her lines. This work is just too unfocused. Adam

stroking the lyre
the cherub’s smile
meets mine

harsh stirring
my sheets askew
dreams revoked

Grandfather
we glide across the lake
coffee and a sunrise.

I like the language of this one. The word “glide” is a good one, and gives a clear image. I also like the phrase “coffee and a sunrise.” I think the biggest problem with it is the flow of it. “Grandfather” is such a rough, jolting word to start with. Really I think all it needs is to be rearranged. But of course the image can always be taken further. Stephanie
Variations:

coffee and a sunrise
we glide across the lake
Grandfather and me

cool still lake
Grandpa and me sit close
warm coffee to sip

The pitter patter of rain
Like the steps of my children
Who once lived here

the pitter patter of rain
echo the footsteps
of my children

I love the concept of this haiku, but it is much too wordy. I tried to simplify each line to make it tell the story with fewer words. However, I did lose the thought that the children no longer live there. Faith

slow sunset tumbling
over wide open spaces
steaming hot chocolate

This haiku has some nice imagery, but I wasn’t exactly sure where it was supposed to take place—it is either someone looking onto a winter landscape (thus the hot chocolate in hand) through a large picture window, or someone watching a landscape change through a train window. I tried switching around the lines a bit, condensing and rewording the phrase “wide open spaces”, and adding a more specific setting to the moment (either the picture window or the train). Melanie

Revised Versions:

hot chocolate
fogs the picture window
slow sunset

slow sunset tumbling
over snowy banks
steaming hot chocolate

hot chocolate steams
the train window
slow-moving sunset

I also like the image conveyed in this haiku, but the whole “wide open spaces” line seems a little too cliché. I also have a problem with the two “ing” words. Rick

sunset
over the open prairie
steaming hot chocolate.

setting sun
over the open prairie
hot chocolate on the porch

walking home from aerobics
stale sweat
freezes my shirt

heater turned up
Mustang filled with
warmth and friendship

heater turned on
mustang running
strong with friendship

heater running
mustang prancing
strong with friendship

I like the idea of this Haiku, and I wanted to give it a destination. Being in such close quarters can really bring friends closer together. All kinds of adventures happen when friends are on road trips together. I love Mustangs, they’re beautiful cars, which suggest to me that the group of friends are either attending a very nice event, or taking a very long road trip. I don’t think that Warmth needs to be repeated in the last line. We already know the heater is on, which suggests that the inside of the car is warm inside. Knowing that the heater is on either tells me that it’s very chilly outside, or that the car is overheating. I feel that either one of the images could be taken much farther in the Haiku. Jamie

Here are some of the ideas I was playing with:

Slippery road
Friendship inside
Warms the car

Starry night
Atop the Mustang
We move closer

Dusty Mustang
Overheats
Born friendship(s)

Prom dresses
Fill the mustang
And keep out the cold

hawaiian ice
the flavor freezes my mouth
blue raspberry tongue

winter morning
without you again
cold heart

winter morning
my frozen heart
without you

winter morning
one mug of hot chocolate
cannot warm me

I liked this haiku because it gives a very clear and straight forward emotion of loneliness and abandonment. However, I don’t know who has left to cause such emotion. Was it a boyfriend, a mother a father, a sibling, a friend? The only change I would make to this haiku is to add something to the second line to explain who the ‘you’ is. I think this would emphasize the emotion more because people could then relate to the loss of that same person missing in their “winter mornings” as well. Some examples for a second line are: I wake to an empty bed, Dad isn’t here to make pancakes, or another day without mom. The only one that I really like from my examples is the first one but it can be changed to a different person, so long as it is a bit more specific. I would also like to say that I like how ‘winter’ and ‘cold’ relate to each other. Corinne

winter morning
I wake to an empty bed
cold heart

I think this is a wonderful case of, “show, don’t tell,” syndrome. The author tells us exactly what is in his/her mind, rather than letting us figure it out. There are so many ways they could lead us to this conclusion, rather than just beating us over the head with it. It’s a great topic, if you will, but not very imaginative in its delivery. Stephanie
Variations

new morning—
without your arms around them
shoulders shiver

cold morning—
my shoulders miss the warmth
where your arms once lay

the moon’s light
cascades down the mountainside
the phone rings

the moon’s light
cascades as
the phone rings

the moon’s glow
lightly cascades through
as the phone rings

Moon’s light can be ominous, romantic, peaceful etc. and I think I would like a little more detail to set the scene. I love the 2nd line and the image it makes, but I think the 3rd line should have more of the abruptness that the author is looking for. Again, the phone call could be someone’s lover calling to say they are coming, or news of a death or so many other situations. Just saying the phone rings isn’t the big ending it could be I guess. Traci

ginger crescent
cascades down the mountainside
your number on the caller i.d.

The shaking ground
my shivering body
longest train ever.

I chose to critique this Haiku because of the last sentence. The first two lines began to create such neat images that I felt the need to continue to develop the Haiku. It was the last line that made me gritt my teeth. The Haiku’s language was very mature and serious, but the last line just made the poem feel as though it was written by someone in middle school because of the last word ‘ever.’ I could imagine a very ditsy girl say that last line in a very stereotypical voice. Therefore, this line had to go and be replaced with a better image that would clearly portray the length of the train ride. I also wanted to try and find a way to connect the speaker to the train. Both the train and the speaker are experiencing movement, and I wanted to try to connect that feeling to both objects. Jamie

Here are the alternate versions that I came up with:

I sway with the train
Exhausted
Destination

Endless track
Causes me to shiver
And the train to sway

Endless track
The train sways
I shiver

My body shivers
With the train
Long path ahead

I really like this haiku, because I’m almost certain it has to be about waiting for a train to pass to get from the Woods to the rest of campus. So maybe the haiku could incorporate something about being late for class, or something to imply that the speaker has to stand outside, waiting for this train to pass. Or maybe the speaker’s not in a hurry, just cold. Allison

Then you could use something like this:

teeth chattering
we count the cars
longest train ever

shoulders hunched
the chill fall rain beats them down
overdue books

the frigid fall rain
beats on hunched shoulders
overdue books

The second line of the original haiku was too wordy, so in my revision I cut out the unnecessary words and flip flop the first and second lines so that it flowed in a what seems like a natural progression. Elizabeth

shoulders hunched
chill fall rain beats down
overdue books

I like the image in this haiku, but the listing breaks up the thoughts a little to much. Also, the second line is far too long. An alternative could be

rain falls
on hunched shoulders
overdue books

Still, that is not a great haiku, but it's getting closer. Brian R

shoulders hunched –
the chill fall rain
beats them down

I split up the second line and deleted the third line for flow, and added a dash for a contemplative line break.

the chill fall rain
beats down –
on overdue books

This is a similar approach to the first edit, but removes the first line, and puts the dash at the end of the second line. Sarah

Overall, I really like the images suggested by this haiku. However, I would suggest cutting the word “chill,” and possibly even “fall.” The second line is a little wordy, and I think that would help the haiku flow a little better. Allison Or you could say something like:

shoulders hunched
beaten down by rain
overdue books

delicious blustery wind
cools my head…
i chase after it

I like the image in this one, but I feel like the adjectives are forcing me to think exactly what the author is thinking. If the haiku were simply

wind
cools my head
i chase after it

it would be much more effective. I also chose to remove the ellipses because I felt like it broke up the thought too much. I feel like the chasing should be an immediate reaction to the wind cooling the head, not an afterthought.

seven years old
ivory keys beneath
clumsy fingers

seven years old
clumsy fingers
on ivory keys

I would flip flop the last two lines because I think when read it seems to flow better. I would also put clumsy fingers so that right away more images come to mind immediately other than clumsy fingers on piano keys. Changing it leaves the haiku a little more open ended before you get to the last line. Elizabeth

Black box opens
Gold sparkles
Everything changes

velvet box opens
to reveal diamond sparkles
everything changes

When this haiku was discussed in class I liked the suggestion of adding velvet to the description of the box because initially I imagined the haiku was about a man proposing. However, I thought the description of the ring, or what I thought was a ring, took away from the moment of wondering what will happen next. The moment, a man giving all of his love to one woman, wanting to start a new future with her, and risking her rejecting it, is what is important about the poem. It seems like gold sparkles made the haiku more about the ring. Now, I can be completely wrong and the black box could be a treasure chest or a gift from a grandmother and the gold could be coins or a necklace or an heirloom and the change could involve wealth, or friendship, or inheritance. But if it was about a man proposing then I would take the focus off the ring but still make the moment that I was talking about clear. To do this I added the line ‘down on one knee’ because it can easily bring people to the thought of a man proposing. I also changed the line ‘everything changes’ to ‘hanging by a moment.’ This was because the change was unclear to me, did she say yes or no. Both would definitely change the relationship. So I made it more about the man waiting for the reply. This I think adds more emotion to the haiku or at least a specific emotion. I don’t exactly fully like the phrase ‘hanging by a moment’ because it reminds me of the song by Lifehouse, but it was all I could think of to say what I wanted to. Corinne

down on one knee
he opens the black velvet box
hanging by a moment

There isn’t enough information to understand completely what is going on. Only two senses are found in this haiku, the sight of the box and gold and the feeling of excitement, worry etc. Maybe add some description to the black box, what kind of gold is sparkling, and how things are changing, good or bad. Alisha
Revisions

jewelry box pops open
with an unasked question
she says yes

small black box
with a diamond sparkling
a life together

stiff silk flowers
gently placed on a cold headstone
child innocent to why

stiff silk flowers
gently placed on a cold headstone
from toddler’s hands

stiff silk flowers
child innocent to why
laying on the tombstone

stiff silk flowers
placed on a headstone
childlike questioning

flowers on a cold headstone
gentle, stiff, and silk
child not asking why

Helping elderly neighbors
Mowing their dirt
I weep gasoline

I mow
the elderly neighbor's yard
dust flying


© 2006, Randy Brooks • Millikin University • last updated: February 1, 2006
All rights returned to authors upon publication.