boy looks out of the window
A long black car rolls by
rain continues to fall

rain pounds on the windowpane
as the boy gazes
a long black car rolls by

a sad boy stares
the hearse creeps along
through the downpour

boy stares outside
as rain continues to fall…
long black car rolls by

The original haiku uses too many words. It makes it clear that there is a boy watching a hearse going down the street and it is raining. However this can be conveyed much more concisely. Also, some of the verbs, such as looks, could be more descriptive.

falling rain
a boy’s gaze
catches a hearse

a boy looks out the window
the long black car rolls by
as rain continues to fall

dull winter days
school is out
a no-longer empty window seat

snowy days
a bell rings
the window seat is filled

winter break
I watch the snowfall
from the window seat

first day
heavy bookbags
awkward smiles

new backpacks
awkward smiles
before the first bell

awkward smiles on
the first day—
shift my heavy bookbag

heavy book bags
the first day
awkward smiles passed

I sneak a glance
though the beauty has gone—
old habits are hard to break

the breeze
caresses the blooming lilacs
you kiss me on the mouth

the breeze
caresses the blooming lilacs
first kiss

the breeze
caresses the blooming lilacs
soft kiss on my lips

the breeze
caressing lilacs in bloom
our lips touch

the breeze
from the blooming lilacs
our first kiss

Breathing softly
Your eyes close
You drift into darkness

breathing softly
eyes closed…
drifting to another world

breathing softly
eyes close
as I drift into darkness

frozen pond
breath in air
metal blades

my visible breath…
the metal blades glide
across the frozen pond

clouds of air...
on the frozen pond
blades collide

breath in air
metal blades scratch
frozen pond

metal blades scrape
the frozen pond
breath freezes in the air

metal blades
on a frozen pond
breath in the crisp, cool air 

metal blades
upon the frozen pond
see the breath

The original is more of a list than a haiku. You can tell that it is about ice-skating outside on a pond, but it is not written very coherently. Usually in a haiku the last two lines or the first two lines form a single thought, and the other line sort of sets the scene:

frozen pond
metal blades
skim the ice

breath in the air
skate blades
carve a frozen pond

front porch swing
sandy feet
orange to purple sky

sandy feet rock
this front porch swing
orange to purple sky

swing set—
sandy feet
aim for the orange and purple sky

four sandy feet hang
over front porch swing
orange to purple sky

sandy feet
rocking a front porch swing
orange to purple sky

the sun sets
sandy feet
we rest on the porch swing

The original haiku is also just a list of three things. The “sandy feet” seems a little out of place with the rest of the haiku, which is about watching a sunset from the porch swing. It needs a little more explanation. Perhaps a couple has gotten back from the beach and is now watching the romantic sunset from their beach house, and their toes are brushing against one another’s:

watching a sunset
from the porch swing
sandy toes collide

summer sunset
sandy feet
swinging back and forth

a sigh of relief
one down
seven to go

a sigh of relief 
one semester down
and seven to go

sadness overwhelms me
but you are free
home at last

sadness overwhelms me
but you are free
home at last

overwhelming agony…
finally free
home at last

you are free
in your home
but I am sad

a full moon
bright light shining
guiding the way

a kiss of love
brushes my cheek
as it turns to dust

a kiss of love
brushes my cheek
as it turns to dust

love's kiss
brushes my cheek
before it turns to dust