Haiku To Edit 2 Final Group Edits - Haiku on Coldness & Childhood Memories
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Spring 2008
Sterile, white room Alyssa Thompson Sterile, white room cold metal table sterile room sterile white room sterile, white room the hospital gown
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put the key in Elise Wildman frozen engine cold morning jiggle the key frozen engine turn the key This original haiku was too wordy. First we decided that “put the key in” was unnecessary if we were going to talk about turning the key, so we cut it. We also decided to shorten “the engine is frozen” to “frozen engine.” turn the key jiggle the key |
watching mom Nicole Zabrinas watching mom watching mom watching mom watching mom above watching mom We liked the original haiku with the exception of the verb “making.” It was too non-descriptive. We really liked the verb “knead” instead: watching mom |
I stepped off the school bus into the pleasant sunshine, and our 3rd grade teacher, Mr. Dobecki, attempted to file us into a straight line as we excitedly awaited to receive wristbands that would allow us to enter the zoo. The zoo was one of those places that I could go to numerous times, and it would never get old. I could not wait to see my favorite animals--the gorillas--and anxiously awaited to see them as though they were old friends I had not seen in years. I patiently walked through all the other exhibits, giving the bears, leopards, snakes, and birds the attention they deserved, knowing that the real excitement was waiting just at the end of the kangaroo exhibit. Finally! I could hear them before I could see them, giving deep-throated grunts that reverberated throughout the artificial jungle that had been built in an attempt to make the captives feel more at home. I watched with my mouth wide open, as a beautiful, hulking male gorilla sat lazily chewing some dried fruit. We sat down at some picnic benches nearby, and I pulled out my brown bag with PB&J, some cookies, and--lo and behold!—a banana! Sneakily, I crept away from all my friends who were chatting and eating their lunches, carefully evading the vigilant eyes of the chaperones. I looked at the banana in my hand, and I looked at that male gorilla still chewing his shriveled dried fruit. Then our eyes met. I knew what I had to do. That poor gorilla was one of the most powerful creatures of the jungle! He deserved only the freshest, ripest fruit, and I was going to make sure he got a good lunch. I peeled the banana, and very carefully, lobbed it into the enclosure. I gasped when the banana landed a few feet in front of the gorilla. I didn’t think I would actually get it over the fence, but there it was, waiting to be devoured. I held my breath to see what he would do. The gorilla grunted, leaned over to poke at it a little bit, then sat back on his haunches. I looked around to see if anyone had witnessed that I had just made contact with an actual gorilla, but nobody had noticed that I slipped away. I figured I should go back to the lunch tables before someone realized that I had most definitely broken some sort of rule. I was sure that my gorilla was saving that banana for a midnight snack, and that it would taste better than any banana he had ever eaten. I took one last look at the gorilla, and I am almost positive he grunted to me, as if to thank me. the reptile house Alyssa Thompson the reptile house… reptile house the reptile house the reptile house the reptile house the reptile house Our group decided that the important part of this original haiku was that auntie didn’t like the reptile house and wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, but her nephew or niece had no intentions of leaving anytime soon. Auntie had to drag them away. We decided that “toward the concession stand” wasn’t really an important detail. It made the haiku too wordy, so we cut it. Then we changed “pulls” to “drags.” the reptile house |
cold afternoon cold afternoon Amanda Aukerman cold hands windchill advisory— foggy breath cold afternoon cold afternoon This original haiku was a little vague as to the hands that were meeting the cup of tea. Also, the verb “meet” was pretty bland. Our group came up with: cold afternoon Another group had used the phrase “chapped hands” instead of “her hands” which we thought was much better. The class combined the two. cold afternoon |
When I was younger my older brother would go to our aunt and uncle’s house for the weekend once a month during the summer. I always felt left out because I was left home alone with my mom, so she would call my Grandma Chivers and I would spend the weekend with her. My Grandmother loved wind chimes and there was always a gentle chime sound in the air around her house. In the mornings she would get up way before I did and would pray on her rosary and go about getting ready for the day ahead. This was after my Grandpa Chivers had passed away so she was alone in the house when I wasn’t there which made my visits extra special to her as well as to me. She would start making breakfast once I awoke and always had me rinse the “sleep” out of my eyes before I ate it. Sometimes breakfast was Cheerie-o’s with skim milk and banana slices in it or she would make my favorite breakfast meal, French toast! I have never been able to make French toast like hers nor have I found any place that can even compare to hers. After eating breakfast Grandma would read the paper while I watched cartoons or played with my Legos. The sun would be coming through the window next to where my toys were kept and shadows of the wind chimes would be cast on the floor where I was playing. A lot of her wind chimes had glass prisms on them so as the sun light passed through it was refracted and cast down on the floor in rainbows. I loved this and would often amuse myself by playing in the colorful light. This haiku brings those memories flooding back to me upon reading it. One particular memory that comes to mind is once when I was over to house for the weekend she surprised me with a rather unusual new toy. Tops. Spinning tops. They had silver stickers on top and when they spun they made entrancing shapes but the real surprise of them was that in the light they refracted the light and looked different colors at different angles. I spent the rest of the weekend spinning the tops and experimenting with them in the colored light cast by the wind chime in the window. My Grandma passed away a few years ago and it was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. She had cancer and for almost 2 months she lay in the hospital down the street from my house and went from not good, to bad, to worse, until she passed away in late July. I visited her almost every day praying and hoping she would get better and she never did. The day she told me good bye and gave me a feeble kiss of the cheek was a day I’ll never forget. Standing there with the rest of my family as she said good bye one by one to all of us I noticed a wind chime in the window and I couldn’t take it so I left the room. That was the last time I saw her until her funeral, but a simple chime in the air always brings me back to those summer weekends at her house when she was healthy and happy and strong. This haiku helps me remember that even though she is gone from this earth, in my memories and in my heart she will forever live on. crystal wind chime crystal wind chime Sterile smell Nick Chivers crystal wind chime |
Summertime after fourth grade. My mom had recently gone back to work, so I spent most of the days at my friend Kara’s house. On occasion we would beg our parents to let us have a sleepover. Usually, we would have the sleepovers at her house because she had a pool and extremely lenient parents. Kara had a big screened-in back porch that we would always sit out on, and some of my fondest childhood memories involve the back porch and summer storms. Kara and I had a tradition when it came to summer storms. Her mom would blow up the big air mattress, cover it with pillows and blankets, and drag it out to the back porch. Then we would order pizza and bring it out to the back porch. As soon as the storm hit, we would lie on the air mattress, eat pizza and listen to the rain. Often times we wouldn’t even talk; just listen to the rain with the occasional comment about whatever random thought popped into our heads. My comments usually involved Nick Brown in some way, as he was my childhood crush. We would spend a couple of hours outside until we became tired and dragged ourselves inside to fall asleep to a movie. Since this haiku really captures one of my fondest childhood memories, it triggers many of my senses. I can smell the summer rain and the chlorine in my hair from Kara’s swimming pool. I can hear the steady rain fall onto the side walkway and grass. This rain falls straight down because there is no wind. I can feel the heaviness of the air because of the humidity. Sometimes there is thunder, but usually just a summertime downpour. I can see the brown ceiling of her porch as I look up, and outside it is very dark, almost pitch black. There are no stars out because of all of the clouds, which contributes to the extreme darkness. Looking back on this, I feel many things. Rain is extremely calming to me and puts me in a state of serenity. Lying in a mess of blankets barely speaking also adds to this overwhelming calmness. I also feel very happy, just spending the night doing absolutely nothing with one of my best friends, but having a great time. Night and rain are also two of my favorite things so I am immediately put into a fantastic mood. Finally, although the air is sticky and it is summer, I am the perfect temperature. The sun is down so it is a bit cooler, and the rain offers some additional relief. The combination of being warm, calm, and happy on this summer night is something that I still remember vividly, even ten years later. This childhood memory is one that I won’t soon forget, and Lyles’ haiku really captures this memory for me. back porch summer rain Lindsay Scully In class our group edited Lindsay Scully’s haiku and wrote new haiku based on her extended memory. We didn’t think her haiku needed very much editing so the variations are slight. back porch Lindsay Scully In this one we decided to change laughter into a verb and we decided to use a word that was more specific to young girls, giggle. We also removed the “the” because it wasn’t necessary. back porch summer rain Lindsay Scully This haiku was also very good. We modified it slightly by changing “this” to “a” but that was all. summer rain We came up with one new haiku based on her memory. sleepover |
© 2008, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.