Haiku to Edit 1 Results
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Spring 2017
winter wind whips This haiku is also a little on the wordy side, and I think it could be simplified with a few cuts and revisions. The alliteration in the first line is great, but it gets clunky after that. I think the “on campus” can be removed because we get the phrase “to class” in the same line and that still conveys the location of the students. winter wind whips winter wind winter wind whips winter wind whips winter wind ships winter wind whips winter wind whips winter wind |
pool toys I think this haiku would benefit from some rephrasing, to make things more concise and also vivid. The scene here is of a pool that was played in earlier that day but is now still because it's time for bed. To really set up that scene I think connecting the pool toys directly to the calm water would be beneficial. Something like this: pool toys pool toys pool toys pool toys bath toys pool toys abandoned pool toys abandoned pool toys |
sitting in bed in my bed sitting in bed sitting in bed
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smothered in blankets sitting in the same |
make-up and heels make-up and heels heels or boots make-up and heels make-up and heels make-up and heels make-up and heels make-up and heels |
make-up and heels make-up and heels make-up and heels the doorbell rings make-up and heels makeup and heels make-up and heels |
condensation trickles condensation trickles as water drops trickling time spent making perfect snowballs constructing perfect snowballs making perfect snowballs too many bags familiar smells greet me
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singing by the fire I would cut out a lot of the words in this haiku, mostly the unnecessary pronouns and other words that make it read more like a sentence than a poem. The first line, “singing by the fire” is a really good start and it really makes the scene here. I would say that the last line can be cut almost completely in half because I think the important part of the line is “warm my heart” and if you change that to “warms my heart” you still capture the same message but without the clutter. So the revised version would look something like this: singing by the fire singing —my heart smiles edit: singing by the fire songs around the fire |
sparkly dresses I think this haiku should focus in a bit and really get into the details of this event, which I think is a prom or some other school dance. Maybe instead of just saying “cute boys” it could focus on one boy in particular, or something about the boys' outfits to go along with the line about the dresses. I also think that the word sparkly is a little rough sounding, maybe “shimmering” would work better. Then again, when the second line is “sweaty gym” it is possibly that the dresses could be less than spectacular as well. If I were to write this haiku it would probably look something like this: shimmering dresses sparkly dresses sparkly dresses sparkly dresses |
Christmas Christmas day Christmas today Christmas it's Christmas Christmas morning Christmas day Christmas eve |
blankets spread blankets spread |
heat intensifies summer night |
© 2017, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.