the flower
you gave me
            wilted

the flower
you gave me . . .
            wilted

I really like this haiku. I imagined a young girl looking at a flower she recieved on a first date or even a corsage from a school dance. Days, maybe weeks have passed since the date. All that's left is a wilted flower and a memory. Lea

            Wilted
The flower
You gave me

I chose this one because it reminds me of the flowers my parents bought me when I first came up here only 3 days after my graduation. When the flowers wilted it was like I lost a path back to my past. Alicia

At first ... i had no attachment to this haiku. I thought it was too simple, and a little cliche. But i returned to it, and put myself into the scene. this is a good haiku! it is everyday things, it is zen, it is beautiful in its simplicity! It speaks of bigger things too - readers may begin to think about the relationship "wilting," or of getting older, of youthful memories. The author did a good job of saying something and letting us fill in the rest. Emily

This haiku invoked feelings of nostalgia and regret. I can see a girl looking at a flower and remembering the night she got it. It was a good night, but something’s happened since then between her and the guy who gave it to her and it taints the memory. Although I could see this as just being about time passing, it just seems to send out a feeling of sadness that implies there’s a little bit more going on. Nichole

This haiku was my absolute favorite out of this set. I thought it was perfect. And maybe I thought it was perfect because I have a vase of flowers sitting on my dresser that have been there for over a week and are almost all dead…but I don't want to throw them away because I want to remember the special moment that came along with them. I don't want to throw them away because I am afraid I might lose part of the memory and because they were such a special gift. I get the sense from this haiku that the wilting of the flower is perhaps a wilting of a memory as well. Regan

I chose to write about this haiku because of its simplicity. It makes something that generally is looked at as ugly seem beautiful. I like finding beauty in unusual things. But just because the image is beautiful to me, I still feel the strong feeling in the words. They are those of disappointment and loss—and longing. I imagine a girl looking at the last flower she ever received from him—refusing to throw it away. Now he’s gone and can give her no more. jennifer

silver river,
cupped in my mother’s hand
I grieve in silence

watching
my mother sobbing
I grieve silently

Once we figure out who the author of this haiku is, I would like to hear what they were thinking when they wrote the haiku and what they were trying to get across. I had the most difficulty coming up with an alternate for this haiku because I was unsure of what the silver river was. I think it has all the emotion of a great haiku, it was just too vague for me in the first two lines. Katie

I don't know if maybe I am just ignorant of the author's intent of this haiku, however I have read this haiku several times and I can not figure out what the “silver river” is or what it is supposed to mean. If I had to make a change to this haiku I would suggest perhaps a word or few words that better describe the author's intent so that the audience has a better clarity. Regan

I don’t know if I’m just overlooking something about this haiku, but I don’t get a feeling from it. I’m not sure if I understand what the “silver river” is—it sounds symbolic or metaphoric, but for something I’m not grasping. I also don’t understand the comma at the end of the first line—it seems like it should flow more naturally into the second line, and the comma gives it a harsh break. Jennifer

Silver river
Cupped in my mother's hand
Grieving silence

sweet apple blossoms
drifting, down,
waits for stillness

sweet apple blossoms
drifting
           resting

sweet apple blossoms
drifting
           down

I love "sweet apple blossoms" in this haiku. We don't often think of the blossoms themselves as sweet, but it really brings this haiku to life for me. I felt like the other two lines could be simplified to accentuate the first. It really paints a picture. Katie

crumpled sheets
breeze across bare skin
the perfect day

crumpled sheets
breeze across bare skin
at dawn

Jennifer Van Natta

sheets crumpled
breeze across bare skin
at dawn

twigs, branches
our curled sheets
(sunrise)

This haiku makes me think of a couple on the morning after spending their first night together. lea

sheets crumpled
midnight breeze
across bare skin

This is another of my favorites. I absolutely love it! It reminds me of waking up on a cool spring Saturday morning and just reveling in the beauty of everything. “Crumpled sheets” really calls to me, definitely reminding me of one who has just awoken. The breeze is just right as it glides across the skin. It truly reminds me of a perfect day. Abby

I enjoyed this haiku because especially with fall just around the corner I could feel the light breeze on my skin almost as I was reading this. I think some of the most perfect days are in the fall--Days when you can lie with the windows open and no sheets or blankets covering you and be perfectly content. This haiku gave me a feeling of content. Regan

peaceful tea garden
two children
laughing

This one made me think of a small garden with children playing while their parents are busy inside. Alicia

Laughing
Two children
Peaceful tea garden

peaceful tea garden
swatting
mosquitoes

peaceful tea garden
swatting
hungry mosquitoes

I chose to comment on this poem because I don’t understand how the two images connect to one another. The first line obviously conveys an image of peace and serenity. However, the next two lines convey and image of annoyance and discomfort. I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life where I have been in a place loaded with mosquitoes and thought of it as peaceful. Jennifer

peaceful tea garden
swatting
mosquitoes

peaceful tea garden
the buzz of mosquitoes
slap!

tea garden
mosquito's buzz
slap!

tea garden
the buzz of mosquitoes
I watch them drink

peaceful tea garden
releasing
two sneezes

silhouetted trees
haunting the night
the lone owl
                        gliding

I think this haiku has the most potential to be one that I love. But I think the first two lines are kind of wordy. The word “silhouetted” doesn’t really work for me, and distracts me as I read. How are they silhouetted? I couldn’t really envision this. The more I read the second line, the more I’m okay with it. At first I wasn’t sure about “haunting” but now it works for me. It’s a beautiful haiku. Abby

silhouetted trees
haunting the night
solitary owl

The lone owl
                        Gliding
Haunting the night
Silhouetted trees

whistle of the kettle
crackle of the fire
snow falls silently

the kettle's whistle
interrupts
the snow's silence

OR

2nd line: use pierces or breaks instead
of interrupts —Jennifer Van Natta

I think this haiku gives too much away. The first two lines reveal the interior room and then contrast with the falling of the snow, but at the same time it seems repetitive. Maybe I’m just crazy, but it didn’t work for me. abby

All three lines paint beautiful images, peaceful settings. Maybe this haiku works well because of the verb usage. this haiku has a lot of action in it, despite the peaceful mood. things are whistling and crackling!! and then...silence. good work with movement. Emily

Kettle whistle
Crackling fire
Snow falls silently

I only have a small suggestion for this haiku also. It seems to be that it would flow easier if the action is first in all three lines. For instance, instead of the third line as it is perhaps it could be
Silence of the snow
Silent fallen snow
Silent, fallen snow
Silently falls the snow
It's a small suggestion, but I feel like the action at the end kind of breaks up the flow. Regan

whistle of the kettle
crackle of the fire
snow falls silently

silent snowfall
the kettle whistles
from atop the open fire

silent snowfall
the kettle calls
-last line-

I like these first two lines for this, but don't know how to finish it... Brock Peoples '03

Snow is falling
faster
the mountain beckons

on the mountain
snow is falling
faster

snow falling
on the mountain
I speed up

snow falling
on the mountain pass
I speed up

I’m not completely sure why I chose to edit this one. Maybe there is nothing I would do to change it, and I am just not the reader for this particular haiku. The first image that grabbed me was Lord of the Rings as they battle with the mountain’s snows. I couldn’t get past that image. Therein lies my problem, perhaps. Abby

his hand
slowly reveals
the fourth ace

I love the surprise ending! It's such a light-hearted haiku. Lea

I think that this haiku has a slow feel to it, and not really because of the word “slowly.” Just the idea of the action feels slow and intense—to use the word “slowly” seems somewhat unnecessary. I think that it would be even more effective if the word “slowly” was removed or replaced—to let the natural intensity unfold. Jennifer

I really enjoyed this haiku. It embraces the “slowly reveals” line by taking you through the haiku at that pace. It makes me miss my friends back home and their weekend poker games. The slowness of the haiku contrasts wonderfully with the intensity of such a moment. Abby

His hand . . .
Slowly . . .
Reveals the fourth ace

showing his hand
s  l  o  w   l  y
the fourth ace

his face
slowly reveals
the fourth ace

losing weight
now your belly isn’t
soft anymore

Losing weight
Now your belly isn’t
Soft anymore

I like the straight-forwardness of this haiku. You can really visualize someone who has lost, say, twenty pounds. The full softness is gone, replaced by taut muscle and maybe some looser skin. This is great imagery. Abby

I feel a clash in this poem between the first line and the last two. The first line states that someone is losing weight—an ongoing action. The last two lines almost seem as if the person has already lost his/her extra weight—a finished action. I do, however, love the last two lines—they say so much more than something lame like “and now you’re thin.” This writer does have a way with words. Jennifer

losing weight
now your belly isn't
soft anymore

Today i re-arranged the furniture in my living room, and i keep walking in there, looking again, but i'm not sure if i like the new way. This haiku is beautiful because it says "i like you the way you are!" I see a couple nestled in a nap with something slightly out of place, missing the old shape. "belly" and "soft" is are great words for this haiku. they aren't like 'stomach' or 'fluffy'. the only thing that needs work is the line breaks, but i can't come up with any solutions! Emily

I think this haiku strikes me because weight is something that every woman has a hard time with. I feel like there is a sense of gratification because they are noticing that they have a trimmer belly. Maybe they are grazing in the satisfaction that another person is noticing that they have lost their weight. Or maybe the person speaking is not particularly happy that the person being spoken of has lost the weight. I think there are many ways to interpret this haiku, however, I enjoy it no matter what way it is interpreted. Regan

I don't have any huge suggestions for this one however after reading it a couple times I feel like the first line suggests the act of losing weight…as if the weight is continuing to be lost even as this is being written. But then second line has a sense of finale. It feels like the weight is done being lost. Perhaps the author might replace “losing” with “lost”. Regan

Sweat, burn, ache
Now your belly isn't
Soft anymore

his old pickup
empty skoal cans
roll on the floorboard

the old truck
empty skoal tins
—sunset

This haiku reminds me of the end of the day, where a modern-day ranch hand is driving home from a long day on the range. He finds simple pleasure in his beat up, messy vehicle. This haiku seems especially peaceful because it involves only the cowboy and the lonesome road ahead. Rick

beat up truck
skoal cans on the floor
cowboy riding into the sunset

Also a lot of memories from this one. I live in a small rural town and I dated a guy who chewed and drove a pick-up and lived on a farm. This haiku sends out feelings of weariness and that is so exactly how I remember the boyfriend. He, and many of the other guys in our town, would be completely worn out and even miss school because they had been doing farm work, especially in the fall. They’d also have to go on long hauls to get their cattle and pigs to other states and sell. The haiku really captured those feelings. Nichole

skoal tins roll
on the floorboard
cowboy almost home

skoal tins roll
on the floorboard
he spits out the windah

Battered pick-up
Skoal tins on the floor
A cowboy heads home

dust settling
an elbow scratched and bruised
his first home run

dust settling
his elbow scratched and bruised
first home run

This haiku brings back a lot of fond memories for me. I’ve played softball my whole life and I always got all scratched and bruised. Moreover, and can definitely remember my first homerun. The feeling I get from the haiku is one of triumph. Yeah, the elbow got banged up, but it was so incredibly worth it. It’s even something to be proud of and show off to your friends as you tell them all about that homerun. Nichole

I chose to respond to this haiku because I got such a vivid picture from it. I played softball for over ten years (starting when I was only six years old) so I know what this feels like. I picture a little boy rounding third and running with all the energy he has. He doesn’t even know where the ball is anymore—he just knows that he has to keep running. He slides hard against the ground, just being missed by the tag. He gets up and brushes himself off while dust swirls all around. He doesn’t even realize he’s hurt himself. I can’t find anything I would change about this haiku. Jennifer

scratched and bruised
the dust settling
            his first home run

an elbow scratched and bruised
his first home run
dust settling

first home run
brushing dust off
his scratched elbow

at a party
“. . . don’t you have a girlfriend?”
he ran to the toilet

I think that this poem needs to be refocused so that it has less punctuation—to let the meaning come through better. I get lost in the second line; I put so much focus into that line that I lose the overall sense of the haiku. Also, I don’t really know if I understand it. Why did he run to the toilet? To hide? Was he embarrassed? The toilet? At a party, it seems that the toilet is never open for refuge. Jennifer

bleaching, gritty sun—
aching arms
driving the ball through the 10th inning

bleaching sun
aching arms—
the 10th inning

tired arms
warm up for
the tenth inning

        Nichole Johnson

I’m not sure of the word usage in the first line. While I understand the choice of bleaching and how it seems to be doing just that when you are being scorched at a ball game, what about gritty? I’m not sure about this word. The rest of the haiku I like. Abby

I like this haiku a lot, however, I feel that “gritty” might not be the best word to use. When I think of gritty I think of something rough to touch. Perhaps “sweltering” could be used…especially because another “ing” word is being used in the same line. I think the line would be okay with the second word completely omitted. Also, I think that using the number 10 makes the haiku less formal, but maybe that's okay. Regan

I love the first two lines of this haiku—they do an excellent job of setting the scene and conveying the feeling. However, I have some issues with the last line. I just don’t understand it—how do you drive a ball through an inning? Plus, I think that it would be more appropriate to spell out the word “tenth.” Having a number stuck in the middle of a bunch of words draws one’s eye straight to the number—if it is spelled out, it will blend in until it’s time for it to be seen. jennifer

breezy-bright morning
and happy-scared tears—
luggage piled on the sidewalk as she waves goodbye

cold morning breeze
smiling through tears
her luggage on the sidewalk

Nichole's revision into a sequence:

bright morning
blurred by tears;
luggage on the sidewalk.

waving
as they drive away
. . . something in my eye.

mom cries . . .
her baby left behind
for college.

        Nichole Johnson

breezy-bright morning
she stands crying...
luggage on the sidewalk

scared to leave
damp cheeks
luggage at her feet

bright morning
tears, from both eyes
luggage on the sidewalk

breezy morning
tears: happy, scared
luggage on the sidewalk

Again, this haiku has the makings and ingredients for greatness, but it was a little too long. In fact, it could probably spring two or more haiku with the elements it presents. The emotion, luggage, girl, car, waving, weather, etc., could all lend themselves to different haiku moments. The author has the right idea, it just needs to be cut down a bit. Katie

I enjoyed the general idea behind this haiku. It reminded me of leaving home. However, I think the last line is a little too wordy. I am unsure of the hyphenated word usage in the first two and think that this haiku could be condensed more. It is still a beautiful image. Abby

I chose this one because it makes me think of the times my parents drove me to the airport to come here for the fall semester. I was happy to be continuing my education but scared of what it would mean. Alicia

While I enjoyed this haiku and the intent behind it, I think that the usage of words could be different. I think “breezy-bright” and “happy-scared” could be changed to one word. For example, “happy-scared” could be changed to anxious and “breezy-bright” could be changed to one of several: lively, gleaming, beaming, glittering, luminous, sparkling, etc. Also, the last line seems long. Perhaps a different approach could be

anxious tears
as she waves goodbye
luggage piled on the sidewalk

first day of college
holding back the tears
I say goodbye

I don't really know. I feel bad tampering with someone's work like that, but it is just an idea. Regan