It shimmers in the morning dawn
the whole dock is illuminated
i long to walk it . . .
to feel the wood grain under my feet
too bad, I live across the bay

rearrange the furniture

i long to walk it . . .
shimmering and illuminated
the whole dock
the wood grain under my feet
too bad, I live across the bay

on the patio
sipping coffee
reminder of days past
one more cup
with grandma

cut the commentary line?

on the patio
sipping coffee
tastes like nostalgia
okay grandma,
one more cup

days past
on the patio
grandma sits, sipping coffee
one more cup
meant for someone else

on the patio
sipping coffee with grandma
one more cup
as those hellish neighbors
“carry on screaming”

clouds moving
rain pounding
My cat's freaking out
Did you see that?!
CRACK!

too many breaks
(smooth into a couple phrases?)

Did you see that?!
i felt the earth move
My cat's freaking out
clouds moving, rain pounding
It crackles across the sky.

CRACK
did you see that?!
rain pounding
clouds moving
my cat's freaking out

Did you see that?!
Earth's moving
rain pounding
it's getting darker
CRACK

Kathryn

my hands held in yours,
words on our lips never said.
wishing and hoping,
for any sort of a sign.
     miss you more than I can say.

alternative variations?

Holding hands
lips never moving
no sign
any point wishing?
Do you miss me?

Holding your hand
Words left unsaid
any sign
in your eyes
will you miss me?

my hand
held in yours
wishing and hoping
for words you never said
miss you more than I can say

I really enjoyed all the edits to my tanka, it's difficult to pick a favorite. Each of the three offer a slightly different interpretation of my experience and they are each special and bring something new to the table. I like the addition of "Do you miss me?" to the first edit, it leaves the reader with less of a conclusion which I really enjoy. It suits my intention more than the "will you miss me?" of the second edit. I like the addition of the eyes of the other person in the second edit, the subject of the poem is a quite intense and hard-to-read person so this makes a lot of sense to me. This tanka was quite wordy so I enjoy the simplicity of the last edit.  

My rewrite: 

hands held, 
words never spoken. 
searching your eyes 
for a sign. 
do you miss me?

Hannah 

you
from our first talk
to our last
had my love
and will always

almost all voice?
need an image or scene?

fresh grave
from our first talk
to our last
you will allways
have my love

you in the moonlight
always had my love
from our first talk
to our last
you'll forever be with me

from
your first breath
to your last
you
had my love

from the first night together
to your last soft smile
you are the one
who stole my heart
and carried it to the grave

standing at attention
silently
representing the past
uniform now of marble
I stand with my brothers

edit slightly, careful because this one is sooooo close

silently
at attention
uniform of marble
i stand with my brothers
of the past.

silently
standing at attention
i stand tall with my brothers
uniform now marble
representing the past

final edit

silently
standing at attention
I stand with my brothers
their uniforms
now of marble

Norman

The hum of the engine is electric
Stephan roars to attention
I roll down the window, the crisp air wafts across my face
I turn the radio dial until I find something to groove to
Oops, I'm out of gas

so good, but do we need so much?
can we trim this down to one main, maybe jsut two breaks?

electrical hum of the engine
crisp air through the window
turning the radio dial
grooving to music and freedom
Oops, out of gas

Her head rises up, from the cushion of the couch
She knows she's not supposed to be up there
She makes no attempt to move off it
I try to scold her, but who could stay mad at that face
Fine, you win, wait is that pee?

shorten, tighten to no more than 2 long phrases or sentences?

Her head rises up from the couch
She's not supposed to be there
I try to scold her
Fine, you win
Wait, is that pee?

God
enters my home
each morning
through
opened curtains

just one phrase/one image?

God
flying through
opened curtains
enters my home
says hello

God
walking through
open curtains
smiling
making me coffee

swerving
to avoid the squirrel
in the road
sunbathing
for three days

rearrange the furniture?