Haiku to Edit 1
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Fall 2013
a groggy hand slaps snooze • in a daze • • • • • • • • • I particularly enjoy this poem because it tells a relatable story that seems to unravel very smoothly from line to line. None of the words used are overly complex, allowing for the meaning to be easily and quickly understood as I read it, rather than having to go back and read it over a few times. I also enjoy the shape of the words on the page. Each subsequent line is longer than the last, creating a fluid rhythm while being visually appealing on the page. As I read this poem, the writer walks me through a memory, which just so happens to be mutually remembered. I can clearly feel the morning haze that ties me to down to the sanctuary that is my bed. With each slap of the snooze, I am fighting harder and harder with my my brain, trying to convince myself that I don't need to get out bed. John I think that the poem about the alarm clock is the best edit on the page. I particularly love the way that the structure of the poem itself has been built. The fact that the lines get longer and longer reflect the noise that is created by an alarm: it seems to get louder and louder. I think that it a very nice representation of what it feels like to wake up and not want to get out of bed. Keila windows left open window left open • • • • • open window • • • • This was my favorite haiku edit because of the word "plastered." That word gave me such a visual and sensory image. I can feel hair plastered to my neck because of the humidity coming through the window. I also thought the haiku flowed very naturally, especially when compared to the original. Rachel the humidity causes window cracked • • • • • |
A droning voice Sermon drones on a droning sermon • sermon drones on • • • Droning sermon • droning voice droning sermon • • • • • • • • • I really enjoy the edit about the old man who snores during a sermon. I feel like the original haiku had way too many words that could be condensed to create a better picture and a shorter poem. The words that the editor chose for this poem were very creative and clever to give the poem a funny ring. The editor still used the first line of the poem but removed the unnecessary a that doesn't really help in the imagination. The editor then pulls a clever saying of "hidden in the pews an old man snores." These words are a perfect substitution of the original poem and mean the same thing while producing a better picture. If the speaker doesn't know about the many sleeping in the back, then the words hidden in the pews make perfect sense of the man that is going unnoticed. The final line is just condensed by the editor and perceives the same picture that was originally held. I believe this edit improved the poem and brought a humorous attitude to the haiku. Codi The edit removed all unnecessary language. It even did better to create an image than the original. Using 'the pews" instead of "the back" it depicts a clearer image. Additionally, the original gives an odd personification to the voice of the speaker, rather than the speaker himself/herself. Ryan |
Upside down mug bitter coffee • bitter coffee monday morning • empty mug • • • • summer ends • • • I really think that this edit captures the right feeling. When I read this, I can picture someone sitting at the kitchen table before school starts drinking their final cup of coffee before they have to head off to classes. The original poem had so much potential, but just wasn’t developed enough yet. With this edit, I feel like they took an already good poem and made it better. Caitlin I highlighted my favorite edit. This is one we talked a lot about in class. It is such a recognizable and relatable topic, but at that point we could not figure out the right way to read it. The ending of a cup of coffee represents the beginning of school. This, I think, is especially true for college students. First, a lot of people struggled with the idea of what an “upside down mug” might mean. I like that the edit brings in the idea of it being a finished cup of coffee, and with the ending of this cup, specifically the last few drops of bitter coffee, summer ends. I like that they kept the original word bitter, because it not only explains the taste but it sets the mood. They feel bitter that they are up early and need coffee to keep them going. Ramey afternoon first breath of morning bitter coffee • • • • |
evening sun orange sky • the reason that I like this edit so much more than the original is because it is written so much simpler yet gets the point across just the same. Throughout my early haiku career, I have found that simplicity, such as this haiku, is what makes a haiku better. By eliminating key words while still keeping around others that help describe the scene, this haiku is better than its original. Alex the sinking sun • • • evening sun • • • evening sun • • brown skin soaks it in sunset on brown skin • warmth on brown skin • Response: I liked that this edit was subtle and did not really change the intended imagery/emotion of the original author. The changes made just made the sound of the haiku more fluid. It was nice to feel the sensation of the warmth and then get the imagery, instead of get imagery, feel the warmth and then get more imagery. It made the movie in my mind play out more smoothly because of the placing of the words. Morgan summer evening • • Orange sky |
caught in the middle • • caught in conflict • • child’s bottle • caught saving a friend Caught in the middle • • • • • • • I found the Monster's Inc. haiku to be the best edited one of the group. Many of the edits, particularly the one I chose, add clarity to the situation. Although I did like the original, it could not be a timeless haiku. It has such a strong contemporary reference that one-hundred years from now, it is not likely that someone would be able to easily distinguish the meaning of the haiku without a brief history lesson and background on the author. This way, a future reader may be able to distinguish it a little easier with the help of context clues. Mikayla bulb flickers the last flash • • • • I enjoyed this edit the most because I feel that it kind of simplified an otherwise confusing and complex meaning. I didn’t understand what the author was really going for in the original, as well as the fact that it sounded redundant and anticlimactic. This edit flows better. Sarah time is ticking • • • • bulb flickers • • stuck in class bulb flickers • bulb flickers • • |
lost to time little wooden graves behind nature • • • lost to time • • • • • • As this was originally mine, I feel it appropriate to make my comments on why this is my favorite. On all the edits, including my own, the haiku is a passive one. By adding the active verb "hide," I feel it gives the haiku more life in the contrast of death from graves. I still feel like the "lost to time" line needs to be reworked, but in giving the haiku this active contrast it becomes all the more deep. Mark I like this haiku because of the mystery that comes along with all three lines. Lost to time paints a picture of a mystery. The line nature hides is intriguing. What is it hiding? How is it hiding it? The last line is my favorite line. Little wooden graves is a great line because it answers some of the questions of the haiku, but it keeps the mystery of the haiku as well. Overall I feel like this is a great haiku. Rick forgotten • little wooden graves • • • I would have to say that the best edit, in my opinion would be the one involving the light bulb. Changing the order of the poem seems to give it a stronger sense of closure, and the idea of time ending at the end of the haiku as opposed to it merely ticking gives it a more complete feeling. Additionally, it seems to have a more natural and fluid flow as opposed to the original which still read quite well, but somehow seemed choppy. Brock wooden graves Behind nature
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© 2013, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.