Haiku to Edit 2 - Edited

Global Haiku • Millikin University • Fall 2023

warm apple cider
my smile widens
family time at the orchard

wide smiles
families gather
at the orchard




going to the bonfire
talking too much
going to sleep instead

late night bonfire 
we talk too much 
decide to sleep instead

researching ways
to get the smoke scent out of hair
autumn bonfire

autumn bonfire
hair soiled
by the scent of smoke

lurks in my hair 
string smoke scent 
bonfire season

autumn bonfire
ashes in my hair
      desperately washing

autumn bonfire
smoky hair
      desperately scrubbing

Hey Alexa
how to get smoke out of hair
autumn bonfire

smoke scent clings
to my hair
autumn bonfire

innocence jumping in leaf piles
take a photo of this moment
keep it in my pocket

jumping in leaf piles
capture the innocence 
to keep it in my pocket

photo tucked in my pocket
reminds me of innocence
jumping in leaf piles

This haiku was my favorite to edit because I loved taking the longer phrases and finding a way to simplify it without losing any of the meaning. For me, a haiku is best organize when the first line introduces the main idea/setting of the haiku. By placing the photo in the first line, it puts the focus on what the photo represents and allows the following lines to reveal more about this photograph’s story. I love the idea of carrying a photo around with you to remember a small moment, and I think by putting that in the first line, it gives it the sense that the photo is always in your pocket and you are always aware that it is there. Tanner Essex, Fall 2023

innocence in leaf piles
this moment
a photo in my pocket
I think there is a lot of great imagery in this haiku, but initially it felt like a lot of words in the mouth. The idea was there, for certain, and I wanted to emulate that with the revision so that it could still capture what the author was originally trying to say, but with fewer words or in a way that flows off of the tongue a bit better. I appreciate the memory that this moment holds for the author, and that there was an intention to keep that memory with them as they moved on from it. Skylyr Choe, Fall 2023

jumping in leaf piles
keep this innocence
in my pocket

I love how my group edited this one. Initially, it started off a little long and wordy. We wanted to keep the presentness of this haiku and how they want to immortalize this moment. We also needed to keep the word innocence in here because it seemed like the word this haiku revolved around, but we wanted to physicalize it more, so we decided to keep the innocence in the pocket as if it was like she took a photo of it. We rearranged some words and cut others to simplify it. Bella Birdsley, Fall 2023

my innocence
jumping into leaf piles
a photo to-go

The edited version is much more concise and open-ended than the first. It still keeps all the details: an innocent childhood where one had fun in the autumn leaves and took a picture to remember the fun moment by. This haiku overall has a very playful and nostalgic tone, though the addition of "innocence" brings a sad tone into it. Kaia Garbacz, Fall 2023

My group wanted to emphasize the photo in the pocket but was unsure how to portray that. Madelyn came up with the idea that “to-go” could replace “pocket” and make it more playful like the rest of the poem. We decided against polaroid because it’s too modern and not many people carry polaroids around. We also added “my” to innocence and “leaves” instead of leaf piles. I enjoy the simplicity of leaves rather than piles and emphasis on “my.” Eden

I turn my head
and see you 
influx of happiness

seeing you
an instant
influx of happiness

something you 
can’t live without —life line

God is my lifeline
can’t live without

I loved this haiku before I edited it but I like it even more with my addition. When I edited this I switched around the words and added one of my favorite things to the beginning. God is my lifeline and is something I can not live without. This haiku makes me feel good and reminds me of God's compassion and understanding for everyone. Kailyn Coates, Fall 2023

my summer sun
shining for me
on the cloudiest days

on the cloudiest day
the sun shines
for me

my sun 
shining for me 
the cloudiest day 

you feel like 
on my cloudiest day 
My favorite edited haiku is the first one on this page. I like how I took it and related it to something bigger than just apples and made you more perceive it in a way that it is about a family growing up. It reminds me of my own family and how every time I see my siblings now its like they have entered a new stage in their life and are growing up so fast. Even though all of us are all older and more mature now, a lot of our traditions stay the same, one being apple picking every year. Elly Hermanson, Fall 2023

a gaggle of witches
cackling as they ride next-door
broom-handle candy bags

cackling between houses
a gaggle of witches
with candy bag broom handles

apples grown
let's enjoy
while we can

full grown apples
all back together 

freshly picked apples
red checkered tablecloth
let’s enjoy

store bought apples
will never beat
the orchard's honeycrisp

fresh from the orchard
honeycrisp apples
a sweet golden crunch




open dresser drawer
a swarm of colors and shapes
what silly socks should i wear today?

a swarm of silly colors
in my open dresser drawer
which pair to wear today . . .

a neon fish tank
my dresser drawer
which pair today?

family and children 
just a small ride
picking apples and pumpkins

bumpy hayride
the family goes
pumpkin picking


my age turns with a leaf
another birthday

another birthday
watching the leaves turn

another season change 
another birthday spent 

my birthday alone
another ring
on the tree

alone . . .
golden years changing
with the leaves

a new leaf turns
another ring grown

I like this edit because the metaphor of nature continues as the lines increase. So, although the two metaphors don’t necessarily go together, they are within the same theme. The first two lines are two ways of saying that the years are moving on. The changing of nature indicates this. However, the life of the person is not evolving how they planned. The tree metaphor signifies that this is that person’s birthday as well without having to explicitly say that.

snag in your sweater 
patch the hole
the warmth

wind blowing
nose red
jacket at home

icy wind blows
forgotten red jacket
my nose blushes.

wind chills 
Rudolph nose 
left my coat 

My favorite of these edited haiku list the one about jumping into the leaf pile. My dad, sister, and I used to rake leaves every falls and make huge piles to jump into. It was so much fun and we looked forward to this in this season! It tricked us into doing actual chores. Mary Grace Gallagher, Fall 2023

forgotten jacket
icy wind blows
my nose blushes
I liked what my group did with this haiku because it makes it a little more imaginative. Instead of the haiku being a list, it more tells a story. My favorite part is the personification of the nose blushing. Instead of outwardly saying that the nose is red, you are implying it is getting red because of something, in this case, the cold wind. Madelyn Letourneau, Fall 2023

light up ghost 
in the front yard 
Happy Fall!

light up displays
scatter the yard
it's finally fall

light up ghost
in the front yard
first flicker of fall

I love the thought of “light up ghost” and “flicker”. I think it creates a beautiful image and it works both ways with the flickering lights but also with it being the first glimpse of fall. I think that it added just what it needed to make it all connected, but also to create a clearer picture. Cami Jones, Fall 2023

My favorite haiku that my group edited was the last poem in this trio. It’s a charming poem, to begin with, but we all agreed that it was missing something. We wanted to mostly change up the ending. Hannah came up with “flicker of fall” to add to the end, and I really liked that alliteration. It’s also a bit of a play on words since the poem's first verse talks about a light-up ghost. It’s a very nostalgic fall poem because I know it’s time for fall each year when my neighbors put up their Halloween decorations, usually quite early in the season. It mentally prepares me for the time of the year and what’s to come! Leah Flint, Fall 2023

This edit is my favorite edit we made. We didn't change anything in the first two lines, because it didn't need it. Just changing the third line let us keep the integrity of the haiku and just add to it. I think we were able to capture the "happy fall" in our third line here as well. We showed this instead of saying it, which I think helps here a lot. Hannah Smith, Fall 2023

cable-knit sleeves
coffee addiction
romanticize October burn out

a red letter day
the words she left
on the title page

a red letter day
her words never leave
the title page

© 2023, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
All rights returned to authors upon publication.