Haiku To Edit 01 Alternatives
Global Haiku • Millikin University • Fall 2024
coat pulled tight • surprise campus visit • rush out the door • surprise campus visit Nissi Bamgobye Between the two edits I’ve seen, I prefer this one the best. It removed some words that were arguably unnecessary when I wrote it and restructured it in a way that paints the scene a little better. It’s nice! Nissi Bamgboye, Fall 2025
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lunchtime • cafeteria or cafeteria temptations Between our two versions of the haiku, I liked the first one listed above because it gives the setting, then the feeling that they have choices that they shouldn’t make, then ultimately resists the temptation. Saying another makes it seem that the person is on a diet and needs to once again go with the option they don’t particularly want but must choose. Sam Ramirez, Fall 2025 I like the final version (the OR) better. Our initial issue was that the original Haiku lacked a good sense of setting. The second version (the Either) had a set location and emphasized the desire for something other than a salad. However, we thought this version was too wordy. I like the final version the best because it takes you right to the cafeteria. You can feel the person’s desire for something other than a salad through the word ‘temptation.’ The words ‘full of’ show that there are a lot of choices without having to say it. All in all, I think the final version best provides a setting and expression of emotion. This person is on a diet and sees all of these other choices. They are tempted to make a bad decision, but decide to stay strong because they know it is good for them. Emily Edwards, Fall 2025 • cafeteria temptations Emily Edwards I like the second version (highlighted) of my Haiku better. The first line now sets the scene better, so it is easier to picture. I like how the second line now better portrays my original thought of someone on a diet seeing all the foods that they should not have. It gives more emphasis to the second line when the person settles for the salad that they do not really want, but know they should eat. Overall, I think the second version better depicts the image I had when writing the original Haiku. Emily Edwards, Fall 2025 |
two toothbrushes • two toothbrushes • two toothbrushes • bag packed I like the second haiku better because the first one confused my group. By the way it’s worded, it sounds like you are packing two tooth brushes rather than explaining that you have a toothbrush at one house and a toothbrush at the other. Also, using the word “again” twice in a row makes the poem not flow as well. As for the second one, we still use “again”, but we only used it once because it helps with the flow, but also helps put more weight into that one word. Hannah Swan, Fall 2025 I liked this haiku because I can relate to it. I get the feeling of “ugh” from “again” at the end of the poem. I like our edited version better because I think it gets the point across quicker and more comprehensively. When I first read the original, it sounded like two toothbrushes were being packed. I know that they meant one toothbrush at each house, but at first it was a little blurry. We also cut the repetition of “again” because it felt a little clunky to us. One “again” packs more of a punch. Natalie Brodsky, Fall 2025 • two toothbrushes Grace Pelz I like the edit to make the last line be “change of houses.” I feel like it is more fitting. Grace Pelz, Fall 2025 |
a pause in conversation • I like the first haiku better simply because I believe it flows well. We changed it to switch the second and third line to place the shoe above the gravel. I like this in terms of imagery, but I think it messes with the overall sound and flow of the poem. Hannah Swan, Fall 2025 pause in conversation I actually really like both of these! I think the first one paints a wonderful image. I am immediately transported to a walking along a trail in the prime of fall all while being surrounded by red, yellow, and orange. For the edited version, we cut a couple of the unnecessary words. We also played with the order of the sentences to go from top to bottom. The pause in conversation happens in the brain/mouth, goes down to the shoes, and then below the shoes is the crunchy gravel. I thought that was a cool detail we displayed. Natalie Brodsky, Fall 2025 • something crunches Hannah Swan I wrote a new version to my poem because both of the edits that were offered were ones that I or the group I was in wrote. I wanted to do something a little bit more ominous since it is now October, and I think I honestly prefer this one over the others. I think it may be because I’m in such a Halloween/spooky mood today, but I love that it makes the reader wonder what the people stepped in. Was it a leaf? Was it bones? That’s up to the reader to decide. Hannah Swan, Fall 2025
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breathe in • inhale • breath in This haiku was not my favorite, and neither was the edited one. I would like to change it into: don't forget Bella Griffiths I want to change this haiku because it needed a purpose and a sense of emotion. I aimed to have the reader remember times when they just needed a breath in order to continue with their day. Bella Griffiths, Fall 2025
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stretching slowly • stretching slowly Asa, Amanda, and I all changed this one a little differently. I liked the beginning, but I wanted to have more of a storyline that ended with a little humor. Asa thought this one would be perfect to add some type of em dash or ellipsis in order to create some type of suspense. Originally, I was a bit confused at the moment that was happening in the haiku, but from how interpreted it, I found it to be relatable. I thought of when you move just the wrong way that always gives you problems or that constant pain that you get used to. I wanted to add a bit more voice to the haiku and make it more personal while retaining the relatability of it. I prefer the revised version because it provides more clarity and seems to pack more of a punch. Nicole Wells, Fall 2025 • stretching slowly Again, I appreciate the edited version of the haiku more. While the original haiku does a good job at putting us in the position of the stretcher, it does not give any context as to what a common mistake is. Something common to one person may be quite rare to another, and completely unheard of to those who don’t often stretch. In the edited version, we wanted to focus more on the mistake itself. Pain is a universal feeling that everyone has gone through, and a painful mistake is much more easily generalized than a common one. Additionally, leaving the word “pop” by itself at the end puts more emphasis on the implied injury, and how it can affect someone’s life. Asa Pilger, Fall 2025 deepest stretch • |
laying down for bed • my cat The first one was the original and we recreated it into the 2nd. I liked this change because it is way more compact and concise. This also helps to make it clear that we are talking about cats and not literal biscuits. This is just a more concise and clear haiku than the original. Abbey Matthews, Fall 2025 • laying down Again, this haiku needs more flair. I wanted more detail and a sense of comic relief. I really enjoy comedy pieces, so that is why I keep doing this. I added the word cat to help more people understand, because not everyone knows that cats "make biscuits." Overall, I added what I did to make the haiku more enjoyable and funnier for cat lovers. Bella Griffiths, Fall 2025 • finally in bed • my cat • a long hard day • my cat Abbey Matthews I chose this one because I found that this was the haiku that needed the most work of all of my haiku. This new one really conveys the message that I wanted in a more put together fashion. This new one is very short and paints a picture in your mind that the first one did not. It clarifies that this is about a cat and that he is full of energy making biscuits late at night. Just something fun and silly that was more difficult to understand in the first one. Abbey Matthews, Fall 2025 |
mascara running • mascara running The first one was the original and we recreated it into the 2nd. I like the 2nd version better because it is shorter and more compact. This creates a sense of openness to this haiku for the reader to take many ways. I do not think it was very clear where the reader was trying to take us with the movement section. I think the haiku benefits from this elimination. Abbey • mascara running or mascara running Our initial issues with this Haiku were that it was too wordy, and we did not like the use of the word movement as it seemed too vague. We agreed that we all saw that the mascara was running because this person was crying. The use of jazz music and movement brought us to dance. So, we came up with the second version. We moved ‘jazz music’ to the final line and changed ‘movement calms’ to ‘familiar dance.’ However, we did not like the word familiar. I came up with the final version, which I thought built off of crying, causing the mascara to run. I like this version because you get more movement in the scene. This dancer has forgotten her dance and run off the stage. Thus, running can have a double meaning. She goes back to the dressing room and starts running the dance. As she works through the dance, remembering every step, she starts to calm down. So you get the calming movement from the original Haiku, with more context on why we need to calm down or why we are upset. Emily Edwards, Fall 2025 • mascara running Natalie Brodsky This haiku stayed true to my original intention. What I was trying to convey is that after a hard day that results in running mascara, being alone and being able to listen to bluesy jazz music and dance really calms me down. Abbeys edit was simple and concise which I enjoyed. I did like the other edits of my haiku. The interpretations were different from mine and Abbeys which I thought was cool. Natalie Brodsky, Fall 2025 |
cool grass tickles my knees • cool grass Amanda Spotts I like the second better because there is more intrigue, less is revealed. In the first one, I describe the action. The second one allows the reader to fill in more blanks. It can mean more things. I think the specificity of the first one is still nice because that scene is peaceful and beautiful. Amanda Spotts, Fall 2025
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footprints in the sand • footprints in the sand I liked the second version of this either/or because it seems more smooth. We weren’t sure if “where i have been” meant the past, but that is what we replaced it with and I like it better. Ridge Batchelor, Fall 2025 • footprints in the sand • a new shore ahead • waves erase A lot of people chose to edit this one in class including my group, but I don’t like how we changed it, so I wrote my own version. What I like about the original one is how the footprints reference where that person has been and how they have been to other places. I also liked how the next line talks about erasing those footprints almost foreshadowing to the next line about a new shore ahead which really solidifies the middle line about having that clean slate. The problem was that the haiku was just a mouthful, I think the image and story was great, it just needed to be condensed. By condensing the words, the orientation had to be flipped a little, but I think the original image is still clear and rolls off the tongue much nicer. Jordana Samnick, Fall 2025 •
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putting my hair up • blurry words The action and moment of this haiku were a bit unclear when we read through it. As a group, we tried different things but wanted the hair adjustment to be the main driver of the haiku while also leaving the space for interpretation and unknown at the end. We thought of reasons why we put our hair up and tried to think of a single situation that could be relatable to others. Instead of putting the exact word “test,” Amanda suggested we just say “flip the page” because that could mean different things. The ellipsis at the end gives the haiku a sense of ongoing-ness where the reader can place their own finality to it. The action of the haiku is complete, but it up to the audience to decide where the story goes from there. I prefer to revised version because it adds more feeling to a particular moment. Nicole Wells, Fall 2025 Here, I like the edited version of the haiku more. The original haiku feels like it doesn’t quite specify a single moment, but rather skips over the hard-working part straight to the work being over. Rather than taking away the experience of work, our group decided to focus on it and make a haiku that more specifically targets an experience—that experience being taking a difficult test—and letting it breathe through the haiku. Asa Pilger, Fall 2025 • putting in the work We switched the way this was written because when we had the line of ready to work and the next line was talking about it being over, there was not enough context to know what was trying to be said. We switched it to the hair is getting put up at the end of the day because of all the hard work that was put in during the day and have the relief of your hair going up once you are done. Addison Weed, Fall 2025 • hair up • |
small church • small church • I liked the second version of this either/or pair because it seemed to make more sense. We didn’t know what the first one meant specifically, and it seemed kind of contradictory because if someone is missing, it is sad. So we added “of life” at the end to give it more context. Ridge Batchelor, Fall 2025 • small church Asa Pilger Rather than the original haiku or the one edited version, I decided to recreate it myself in order to fix the problems the original haiku had. I agree that the original may have been a bit too vague, but I thought the edited “celebration of life” version was too on-the-nose and didn’t allow for much engagement with the reader. In this new version, some of the missing context is still added to the haiku, but the reader still gets to put together what “moved on” means. Asa Pilger, Fall 2025
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steaming cast iron • steaming cast iron •
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around the table • laptops open We thought this just made the most sense in our heads. We think that the eyes getting heavy around the table can infer that many people are tired and working hard and then we can read the next line that opens some more ideas about possible homework or things that need to be done. They are tired of the work that they have been doing around the table. It gives it more of an opening for the readers. Addison Weed, Fall 2025 I liked this edited version of the original haiku because it made the vision clearer without fully limiting my imagination. With this version, I picture a late night of cram studying. As the clock ticks, my eyes become heavier and my mind becomes more and more exhausted. I look up to see that all my friends are in the same boat. Eyes getting heavy and minds wandering when we will see our beds. Chelsea Hammons, Fall 2025 • around the table Hope Self This is my favorite version of my edited haiku because I feel like this order makes the most sense. I like that the first line sets the scene then the rest leave it up to the reader to decided how they feel and where they see themselves. Hope Self, Fall 2025
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a letter never sent • letter never sent • the letter never sent • messenger bird Even when I first wrote the original, I didn’t like it, I felt like that last line just didn’t fit but I couldn’t figure out what to put there. I was inspired by Mayflys 40th issue haiku on page 15, it made me think about when my brother was in jail and I would write letters but never send them. Something we talked about in class was changing jail cell bars to the end of the haiku to get that sense of finality, and I actually really liked that, but I still couldn’t figure out what that other line should be. Right now, I like what I changed it to and how it has more of a contrasting image. Jordana Samnick, Fall 2025 • prison bars • |
crowded fair • crowded fair • parents release children I wanted to add more flare to this haiku as it needed something more. It felt bare when reading, just like a normal sentence rather than a poem. I like this new version because it adds a comical feel to this haiku to make one smile. Bella Griffiths, Fall 2025 • |
pink flowers to the right • pink flowers to the right • wildflowers to the right Ridge Batchelor I liked this edited version of my haiku the best. This is my favorite because it encompasses everything I was trying to convey in my original haiku. I love the last line, it was something I did not think of and I really like this edit. With minimal changes to the first two lines, this made the haiku quite a bit better. Ridge Batchelor, Fall 2025
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golden sunlight • small shadow • small shadow Sam Ramirez I liked the edited version of my haiku, the second one is the edited and it captures the feeling that I was trying to evoke from the original. It begins from the small shadow then a bright golden light, and then the image of a butterfly. The edited version makes the butterfly seem bright and ends on a more positive tone whereas the original ended with the shadow making it feel more somber. Sam Ramirez, Fall 2025
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© 2025, Randy Brooks • Millikin University
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