Global Haiku Tradition--Haiku Attempts Edited1, Spring 2006
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sitting in the back yard from the back yard |
climbing up The “moment” of this haiku is very good,
but I think the author was maybe trying to include too much detail into
little lines. I wasn’t sure which aspects to hone in on, so I tried
a couple different ways. In the first revision I basically just reworded
the 1st and 3rd lines to create a sharper image. Then, in the second two
I focused on the aural details surrounding the moment—I included
the CB radio and then added the sounds that Dad is making—this way,
the original last line can be omitted but the “time with dad”
is still implied. Melanie climb onto the seat climb in the cab— over CB rambling |
sleepy musicians sleepy musicians I like the addition of the word “from,” it adds a bit more flow. The dash adds a nice pause between the second and third lines. on a yellow school
bus, This rearrangement of the lines also changes the flow, and gets the reader into the experience more. Sarah sleepy (or drowsy?) musicians This haiku seemed a little bit “list-like.” I added the word “from” to make it flow more then it’s original. I also did not like the word “watch” here. If these musicians are sleepy, they are not going to intently “watch” anything, so I replaced it with the word “coaxed” to show they are caught off-guard by the sun-rise. Faith |
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names on stones names engraved |
I see for miles For this author I would suggest being more specific with her imagery. It seems that she wants to transport me somewhere and that it be personal to me, but if I have no direction I am lost. Adam bundled in the quilt submersed in woolen blankets I think this poem is in need of a little more detail. I like the image I get with “curled up in a blanket,” but I’m kind of lost as to where I’m curled up. “Down here” could be possibly at an ocean shore, in a southern town, or maybe even just lying on the ground looking up at the sky. I also think it’d be better if we had some sense of what they’re looking at, even if it’s just a color or something simple like that. Liz Variations: curled up in a blanket curled up in a blanket— |
icy metal wrench EDIT: I get the clear feeling of the cold garage, but the final line really does nothing for me. I might guess that it has a double meaning: a person fixing a car but they are the one who really needs to be fixed, or that working on a vehicle is in itself rejuvenating. However, I just don’t know what the author is thinking or feeling. The sense of touch is clear with the cold touching his back and the icy metal touching his hand, but what about the other senses? Traci Cold concrete under the trunk |
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new books new backpack I think the initial image and topic of this haiku are really good. We’ve all been in this situation, so we can all relate to how the little girl is feeling. The main thing I’d say about this haiku as far as editing is concerned is that there might be a little too much detail. You could probably say the same thing in simpler terms by taking out some words, or even just replacing some to get the same image. Liz Variations: nervous little girl brand new supplies new books, new backpack new backpack new backpack for school new backpack brand new notebook The first and second line seem a bit long. Maybe if only new books or new backpack were in the first line it would help. I think that nervous is already implied by the new books or new backpack. The waiting in line doesn’t add anything to the other senses besides sight. So maybe take it out. Alisha new backpack new books I like the image conveyed in this haiku, but it is too long. Rick. Some edits I came up with were: new backpack new backpack |
late evening sun I look up |
stroking the lyre For this author I would tell her to choose a single subject and stick with it, and again add specificity to her lines. This work is just too unfocused. Adam stroking the lyre harsh stirring |
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Grandfather I like the language of this one. The word “glide”
is a good one, and gives a clear image. I also like the phrase “coffee
and a sunrise.” I think the biggest problem with it is the flow of
it. “Grandfather” is such a rough, jolting word to start with.
Really I think all it needs is to be rearranged. But of course the image
can always be taken further. Stephanie coffee and a sunrise cool still lake |
The pitter patter of rain the pitter patter of rain I love the concept of this haiku, but it is much too wordy. I tried to simplify each line to make it tell the story with fewer words. However, I did lose the thought that the children no longer live there. Faith |
slow sunset tumbling This haiku has some nice imagery, but I wasn’t exactly sure where it was supposed to take place—it is either someone looking onto a winter landscape (thus the hot chocolate in hand) through a large picture window, or someone watching a landscape change through a train window. I tried switching around the lines a bit, condensing and rewording the phrase “wide open spaces”, and adding a more specific setting to the moment (either the picture window or the train). Melanie Revised Versions: hot chocolate slow sunset tumbling hot chocolate steams I also like the image conveyed in this haiku, but the whole “wide open spaces” line seems a little too cliché. I also have a problem with the two “ing” words. Rick sunset setting sun |
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walking home from aerobics |
heater turned up heater turned on heater running I like the idea of this Haiku, and I wanted to give it a destination. Being in such close quarters can really bring friends closer together. All kinds of adventures happen when friends are on road trips together. I love Mustangs, they’re beautiful cars, which suggest to me that the group of friends are either attending a very nice event, or taking a very long road trip. I don’t think that Warmth needs to be repeated in the last line. We already know the heater is on, which suggests that the inside of the car is warm inside. Knowing that the heater is on either tells me that it’s very chilly outside, or that the car is overheating. I feel that either one of the images could be taken much farther in the Haiku. Jamie Here are some of the ideas I was playing with: Slippery road Starry night Dusty Mustang Prom dresses |
hawaiian ice |
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winter morning winter morning winter morning I liked this haiku because it gives a very clear and straight forward emotion of loneliness and abandonment. However, I don’t know who has left to cause such emotion. Was it a boyfriend, a mother a father, a sibling, a friend? The only change I would make to this haiku is to add something to the second line to explain who the ‘you’ is. I think this would emphasize the emotion more because people could then relate to the loss of that same person missing in their “winter mornings” as well. Some examples for a second line are: I wake to an empty bed, Dad isn’t here to make pancakes, or another day without mom. The only one that I really like from my examples is the first one but it can be changed to a different person, so long as it is a bit more specific. I would also like to say that I like how ‘winter’ and ‘cold’ relate to each other. Corinne winter morning I think this is a wonderful case of, “show,
don’t tell,” syndrome. The author tells us exactly what is in
his/her mind, rather than letting us figure it out. There are so many
ways they could lead us to this conclusion, rather than just beating us
over the head with it. It’s a great topic, if you will, but not very
imaginative in its delivery. Stephanie new morning— cold morning— |
the moon’s light the moon’s light the moon’s glow Moon’s light can be ominous, romantic, peaceful etc. and I think I would like a little more detail to set the scene. I love the 2nd line and the image it makes, but I think the 3rd line should have more of the abruptness that the author is looking for. Again, the phone call could be someone’s lover calling to say they are coming, or news of a death or so many other situations. Just saying the phone rings isn’t the big ending it could be I guess. Traci ginger crescent |
The shaking ground I chose to critique this Haiku because of the last sentence. The first two lines began to create such neat images that I felt the need to continue to develop the Haiku. It was the last line that made me gritt my teeth. The Haiku’s language was very mature and serious, but the last line just made the poem feel as though it was written by someone in middle school because of the last word ‘ever.’ I could imagine a very ditsy girl say that last line in a very stereotypical voice. Therefore, this line had to go and be replaced with a better image that would clearly portray the length of the train ride. I also wanted to try and find a way to connect the speaker to the train. Both the train and the speaker are experiencing movement, and I wanted to try to connect that feeling to both objects. Jamie Here are the alternate versions that I came up with: I sway with the train Endless track Endless track My body shivers I really like this haiku, because I’m almost certain it has to be about waiting for a train to pass to get from the Woods to the rest of campus. So maybe the haiku could incorporate something about being late for class, or something to imply that the speaker has to stand outside, waiting for this train to pass. Or maybe the speaker’s not in a hurry, just cold. Allison Then you could use something like this: teeth chattering |
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shoulders hunched the frigid fall rain The second line of the original haiku was too wordy, so in my revision I cut out the unnecessary words and flip flop the first and second lines so that it flowed in a what seems like a natural progression. Elizabeth shoulders hunched I like the image in this haiku, but the listing breaks up the thoughts a little to much. Also, the second line is far too long. An alternative could be rain falls Still, that is not a great haiku, but it's getting closer. Brian R shoulders hunched
– I split up the second line and deleted the third line for flow, and added a dash for a contemplative line break. the chill fall rain This is a similar approach to the first edit, but removes the first line, and puts the dash at the end of the second line. Sarah Overall, I really like the images suggested by this haiku. However, I would suggest cutting the word “chill,” and possibly even “fall.” The second line is a little wordy, and I think that would help the haiku flow a little better. Allison Or you could say something like: shoulders hunched |
delicious blustery wind I like the image in this one, but I feel like the adjectives are forcing me to think exactly what the author is thinking. If the haiku were simply wind it would be much more effective. I also chose to remove the ellipses because I felt like it broke up the thought too much. I feel like the chasing should be an immediate reaction to the wind cooling the head, not an afterthought. |
seven years old seven years old I would flip flop the last two lines because I think when read it seems to flow better. I would also put clumsy fingers so that right away more images come to mind immediately other than clumsy fingers on piano keys. Changing it leaves the haiku a little more open ended before you get to the last line. Elizabeth |
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Black box opens velvet box opens When this haiku was discussed in class I liked the suggestion of adding velvet to the description of the box because initially I imagined the haiku was about a man proposing. However, I thought the description of the ring, or what I thought was a ring, took away from the moment of wondering what will happen next. The moment, a man giving all of his love to one woman, wanting to start a new future with her, and risking her rejecting it, is what is important about the poem. It seems like gold sparkles made the haiku more about the ring. Now, I can be completely wrong and the black box could be a treasure chest or a gift from a grandmother and the gold could be coins or a necklace or an heirloom and the change could involve wealth, or friendship, or inheritance. But if it was about a man proposing then I would take the focus off the ring but still make the moment that I was talking about clear. To do this I added the line ‘down on one knee’ because it can easily bring people to the thought of a man proposing. I also changed the line ‘everything changes’ to ‘hanging by a moment.’ This was because the change was unclear to me, did she say yes or no. Both would definitely change the relationship. So I made it more about the man waiting for the reply. This I think adds more emotion to the haiku or at least a specific emotion. I don’t exactly fully like the phrase ‘hanging by a moment’ because it reminds me of the song by Lifehouse, but it was all I could think of to say what I wanted to. Corinne down on one knee There isn’t enough information to understand
completely what is going on. Only two senses are found in this haiku,
the sight of the box and gold and the feeling of excitement, worry etc.
Maybe add some description to the black box, what kind of gold is sparkling,
and how things are changing, good or bad. Alisha jewelry box pops open small black box |
stiff silk flowers stiff silk flowers stiff silk flowers stiff silk flowers flowers on a cold headstone |
Helping elderly neighbors I mow |
©
2006, Randy Brooks • Millikin University • last updated:
February 1, 2006
All rights returned to authors upon publication.