the children jump
feet first
leaves in their hair

laughing children
        JUMP!
leaves catch in their hair

he's spent
all day raking leaves
               Cannonball!

why third person?

he’s spent all day raking leaves . . .
        “Cannonball!”
. . . damn kids

newly raked leaves
        scattered
children laughing

why past tense?

the new leaf pile
        tempts the children
leaves scatter

stepping outside
quickly back in
to grab a sweatshirt

This was so me last year. Being from Texas where it’s December before it gets that cold I was frequently shocked by how low the temperature was and running back to my room to grab a coat. Alicia

This appears to be cause and effect, but with humor and human interest. Why not emphasize the relationship between the actions:

stepping outside
stepping back in
to grab a sweatshirt

stepping outside...
rushing inside
to grab a sweatshirt

rushing outside
        but quickly back in
to grab a sweatshirt

seeing no people
the deer
finally eat

Jennifer Van Natta (2)

ok observation, but significance to us? a hint of where might help:

seeing no people
the deer in my back yard
finally eat

the park finally empties
the deer creep out
        to eat

making dinner
for myself
i light candles

Emily Evans (2)

needs something else instead of just stating that you are "making dinner" like:

dinner for one
i light
two candles

dinner cools
on the table
the candle’s half-melted

the flag, waving
in the running-wind
touchdown!

Joanne Weise (2)

I like this haiku a lot. It reminds me of the countless football games I’ve attended. I can see the stands filled with people bundled up against the cold on a clear fall day. The wind is blowing and the crowd is screaming. A player runs the ball into the end zone and the crowd goes absolutely wild as even the flags around the field seem to be cheering the touchdown. This haiku creates such an exciting and yet nostalgic picture for me. Nichole

the flag, snapping
in the scream-filled wind
        TOUCHDOWN!

fluttering in the wind
small wings
laughter rings

nice feeling

hard nipples
raising painted letters
          game day

Joanne Weise (3)

This haiku presents a great image. Hardcore fans at a football game raising their signs and supporting their favorite team on game day. This reminds of the crazy guys at football games with their shirts off and faces painted. Rick

This haiku is wonderful! I love how it makes you laugh uncomfortably at the beginning when you hear the opening line. Then, you realize that it is a man who has painted his chest for game day, probably a football game. It is cold outside, but he is doing it for the love of the game and the team. He wants to show his pride in his team and the lengths he will go to support them. Katie

is this intended to be erotic or meteorlogical? where are the letters?

gentle breeze
the last leaf
                 falls.

Jennifer Van Natta (2)

When I first saw this haiku I identified with it immediately because the author has a very similar haiku voice to my own. I had to ask myself whether I had in fact written it. I like the fact that this haiku implies a laziness. We often think of autumn as cold and windy, but it has its calm quiet moments just like summer. The gentle breeze is enough to move the leaf to its place on the ground. It isn’t fierce or harsh, but it takes its effect and creates motion. Katie

ok, but cause and effect

a breeze . . .
the last leaf trembles,
        falls

auburn leaf
glides slowly . . .
into place

has interesting ambiguity

The auburn leaf
Flutters drifts down
        Lays still

the moon glows
fiery red
rustling leaves

This one makes me think of a ritual performed perhaps outside when the moon is red. Those participating are standing in a circle silently holding hands with the only noise being the leaves as they are tossed in the gentlest breeze. Alicia

ok

The fiery red moon
Hangs low
Over the rustling leaves

as I rake closer
the leaf pile
giggles

fun

raking close . . .
        closer . . .
the leaf pile giggles

Sigh . . .
re-raking
scattered leaves

ok

Sigh . . .
Scattered leaves need
Re-raking

fallen leaves
sticking to the rake—
dog poop in the yard

Rick Bearce (2)

just cause and effect?

leaves sticking to the rake
Ewwwww!
dog poop in the yard

newly raked leaves
scattered
children laughing

Sigh . . .
re-raking
scattered leaves

i love how these two haiku work together. They seem to be responding to each other. I must wonder if they are of the same author... The first haiku is happy, care-free, "scattered" is a happy adjective. The whole tone changes in the second haiku, "scattered" has now a bothersome, and annoying feel. I see a teenager raking leaves, then the nighborhood children come to play, but afterwards they have to do the work all over again. By pairing these haiku, a communication happens, and more is brought to each haiku. When i read the second haiku, i like having an idea of WHY and HOW the leaves were scattered. Emily

church bells
     in the distance . . .
          I hum along

nice one

absent humming
     in tune with
          distant church bells

a building
with its own stories
now an empty shell

not sure the pun works. is it intended?

a building
its own stories
an empty shell

walking past
the vacated building
empty
        like me

A building
With many stories
Condemned

a good book
solid oak tree
my backrest.

needs better punctuation and expression:

a good book
the solid oak tree
my backrest

my back
resting against the oak
I turn the page

sitting      alone
at      his      grave
leaves cover      his memory

walking past
the vacated building
empty
        like me

I chose these two to compare because I feel that they both express an emptiness and a sense of being alone. In the first haiku, the person is alone because someone has died, but there is also that part of them that is missing along with the person. In the second haiku the person is reflecting on the run down building and how it relates to the way they are feeling themselves. I like how both of the images are central in conveying the feelings of the person present in the haiku. In the first haiku it is the leaves covering the grave marker, and in the second it is the abandoned building. I'm not sure of the formatting in the first haiku. I would prefer:

sitting alone
at his grave
leaves cover his memory

because the spaces in the second line don't make sense to me. Katie

luring me to sleep
dancing fire
pops and snaps

Alicia Scott (3)

This haiku reminds me of camping. I love to build and sit around campfires. Late nights around the campfire can often lead to dozing off in a camp chair or on the ground. This haiku brings back fond camping memories. Rick

this is in reverse order of perceptions, and could there be a better word than "luring" (two metaphors in one haiku may be too many)

dancing fire
pops and snaps . . .
lulling me to sleep

dying fire
pops and snaps
lulling me to sleep

popping and snapping of the fire-
the dancing smoke
eases me to sleep

unlocking the door
     dark      emptiness
awaits

When I read this one it struck a cord. This year by choice I have my own room. I love having the freedom and privacy but there are times that I wish I had a roommate to talk to and to share things with. Alicia

if "dark" is intended as a noun, I would suggest "darkness"

unlocking the door
     darkness     emptiness
awaits

Reluctantly
Turning the doorknob
        To the empty room

Opening his
dresser drawer—
darkness slips out.

—Alexis Rotella
Haiku Anthology, pg. 173

&

unlocking the door
dark emptiness
awaits

These two haiku have a relationship in the way they present darkness. Both haiku have a creepy feeling - they do a wonderful job of becoming aware of emptiness, space...air. In the first haiku, the darkness has movement - it will slip out, or slither out of the drawer, whereas in the second haiku, the darkness is standing in the air - "waiting". One important thing these two haiku address is speed. How fast do the poems move? Are they forced? Where are the pauses? Alexis uses a dash, whereas the second author uses space between words. I have a harder time experiencing a slowed effect in the second poem. The author may wish to try regular spacing in the second line, with added space before awaits, for example:

unlocking the door
dark emptiness
awaits

or using a comma or dash

unlocking the door—
dark emptiness
awaits

watching you
from across the room
                   with her

on my back
imagining you
        with her

cutting open an onion
only the center
had molded

hasn't conveyed significance beyond the observation (half a haiku)

Both haiku present similar moments, but manage to present the reader with different places, and different feelings. Both have a sense of longing, and loneliness — in the first haiku the reader gets to see the "you", and the moment is more tense, more awkward, more "present". i see a party, the author in the corner, sipping a drink, trying not to stare, but magnetized to watch. the second haiku, i think, is more lonely, more sad, more vivid, and even has more movement. it opens up many more doors for me. the author is now in the imaginative realm — where thoughts can go forever. i see the author in bed, where they are imagining a parallel. coupling these haiku show that by just changing a few words the haiku can change intensely. Emily

in my head I see you
with her
. . . can’t sleep

Watching you
        With her
From across the room

wilted flowers
on the gravestone—too long
since my last visit

Lea Evers (2)

sitting      alone
at      his      grave
leaves cover      his memory

These two seem to go together almost fluidly. Both seem to share a sense of loneliness at the sight of the gravestone: through the wilted flowers in the first, and the very word “alone” in the second. The speakers are reminiscing about their beloved dead, perhaps about the good times they shared, and also the fact that he/she is lonely because the person is gone. Both speakers seem to want to be with the person longer, to spend more time with them, and continue to be with them, even though physically they cannot. In a way, the speakers in the two haiku are both lonely, though the one in the second haiku seems indifferent in the fact that the leaves are covering the beloved’s gravestone. I’’m not quite sure if this is what the author was going for; if so, he/she may need to clarify this a bit more. Otherwise the parallels between the two are striking. Joanne

These two haiku go together well. Both send out a feeling of loneliness and passing time. Both also have very unique structure. I like the flow of the second one better, the first is too choppy. I gave my edits above, but I think both authors did very well at conveying the feeling in the haiku. Nichole

wilted flowers
on the gravestone—too long
since my last visit

Lea Evers (2)

This has possibilities but it misses the potential to share emotions. It sounds like the groundskeeper talking.

Flowers tend to strike right at my heart, since I work at a flower shop back home. Wilted flowers grabbed me in with sadness at the get-go. The gravestone’s sadness then feels real to me, as well as the speaker’s loneliness for missing his or her dead companion. As Basho said in the ZEN ART Tenet 7 chapter, “Ah.” It makes you stop and think, which is always a welcomed occurrence. Joanne

This haiku has possibilities but misses the potential to share emotions. Sounds like a groundskeeper talking. Seems like the focus should be on the grave, not the gravestone and become more personal to the relationship between the dead person and visitor.

wilted flowers
on Daddy's grave . . . too long
since our last visit

or

wilted flowers
on the grave—too long, Dad,
since my last visit

wilted flowers
on his grave . . . Dad,
it's me, again

I brush away
the wilted flowers
from her gravestone

sitting      alone
at      his      grave
leaves cover      his memory

First of all, I thought the spacing in this haiku was unique and added something special to it. Also, I had a strong connection to this one because it reminded me of my granddad. He has no gravestone so every time I have been to the spot where he has been laid to rest I have to imagine that there was one there. And I was there just last week as the leaves were starting to fall and swept them away from his spot. This haiku leaves me with a saddened feeling. The feeling that one can be forgotten after death—the feeling that someday I will be dead, will I be forgotten? I really enjoyed this haiku because I got an emotion from it that I haven’t out of a haiku yet. Regan

Grammatical problem in this one. Who is sitting there? Leaves? Is the dead person alone and buried sitting up? The dangling modifier beginning often causes the wrong kind of ambiguity.

I sit     alone
at    his     grave
leaves cover his memory

or

alone at his grave
beneath the leaves
memories

    alone
at his grave
leaves obscure his name

in the basket
for your mother
bouquet of fire

interesting, but mostly a setting for the metaphor. the metaphor is more interesting than the overall significance. "your" is probably the wrong word. and what is the reason for giving her a basket? not enough here to get the importance of the basket

For your mother
A bouquet
Of fire

tearing lettuce
i realize everything
tears fall into the bowl

This haiku also reminded me of big moments. Also, of how emotion can just overcome you at an unexpected moment. Or when you are least ready for an enlightenment. I really liked the simplicity of the action that the person was engaged in, it added something special to the haiku. Regan

interesting but it says too little and too much, especially that second line. everything? needs more context for us to really get the emotion or significance

tearing lettuce
i realize he's gone
tears fall into the bowl

tearing lettuce
as we used to
tears for each memory

Tearing lettuce
And salting the shreds
With my tears

stained apron
a dollar
on the table

Lea Evers (5)

I bake for him
apple pie
when autumn arrives

merely a statement as written. when doesn't let us really experience autumn

autumn afternoon
for him, an apple pie
in the oven

Brisk autumn day
I bake for him
A warm apple pie

I wanted to work with this haiku because i feel that it has potential, but it took the easy way out. The situation didn't necessarily excite me or resonate with me. I pictured a 1950's house-wife surrounded in a kitchen of brownies, cookies, muffins, cakes and pies. I wanted to challenge the author to take an everday situation and put a tad more spice into it. If he/she wants to leave the gender roles in the haiku alone, that is fine, although i changed them in my variations. Emily

kicking gold leaves
home from work—
he made apple pie

warm apple pie scent
fills the house—
autumn has arrived.

our front-yard tree
watches me
go in and out

I love this haiku! It really makes me feel like I am back at my old house, with the large pine tree standing guard near the front door. As a kid I always thought that tree was protecting us. It’s amazing to be able to go back to those feelings. Abby

our front-yard tree
watches me go
in and out

Our front-yard tree
Always watching me
Go in and out

lonely swing
I creep outside
to keep it company.

why creep? is somebody trying to stop you?

lonely swing
I sit for awhile
to keep it company

The lonely swing
And I
Keep each other company

I immediately liked the image of the lonely swing, but i felt there needed to be more sensous images for readers to grab. Due to the simplicity of haiku, you must give your readers something simple they can relate to: something visual, a touch, a sound, or even a smell. The author could describe an autumn afternoon, and the setting of the lonely swing would come to life. The word "creep" felt...too creepy :) i pictured someone sneaking outside, scared to be caught on the swing. If that is the image the author was going for - goodonya! I pictured more of a peaceful lonely swing. Lastly, I don't necessarily agree with the punctuation. The image doesn't seem "final" enough to deserve a period. Maybe the author could rethink this accent, or try different things like an ellipses or dash. Emily

variations:

lonely porch swing
i decide to eat dinner
outside

lonely swing
i leave the kitchen plant
on the porch

empty house
we say goodbye,
my stomach growls

this has potential with the interesting comparison of the empty house and empty stomach but not quite enough to get the real significance. too choppy like a list of things

walking out of
the empty house,
my stomach growls

my stomach growls . . .
we say goodbye
to the empty house

snowy hillside cemetery—
children with sleds
ramping the fallen gravestones

Rick Bearce

conflicting tones here. maybe it's the perspective (who's watching this and not saying hey, don't descrate those graves?)

snowy hillside cemetery—
our sleds ramping off
fallen gravestones

a breeze
ripples the stars
in the pond

                   Nichole Johnson (4)

I also really like this haiku. It presents the image of a clear night with stars while viewing a pond. The stars are reflected in the pond, glistening on the water. Rick

What a beautiful image! I love imagining that the stars are in the pond instead of in the sky. The reflection of the night sky in water always seems so real… and then the water moves. It makes the effect so much more eerie. Reminds me of all those nights camping out at a friend’s house in their horse pasture. Abby

tiny wings flutter
from flower to flower
then to my finger tips

single image (half a haiku) or just a sentence, so we need another part here

flutter of wings
from flower to flower
[                    ]

wings flutter
at my finger tips
but move on to the flower

I’m not sure if the rhyme is necessary. It kind of drags me away from the haiku as I read it. My mind keeps going over wings/rings and fails to register the beautiful image. I think if one of those two words is replaced I would definitely enjoy this haiku more. Also, in my opinion it needs some semblance of punctuation. It just leaves you hanging when none is present. Abby

Fluttering in the breeze
Tiny wings
Laughter resounds

a breeze
ripples the stars
in the pond

Nichole Johnson (4)

Summer night
the stars fill
the swimming pool

Nichole Johnson (2)

autumn sunset
stealing spotlight
from the bride-to-be

written as a sentence, this sounds like prose observation. not a haiku. the spotlight metaphor is not real. also needs "the" in the second line: autumn sunset
stealing the spotlight
from the bride-to-be photo
of the bride-to-be
the autumn sunset

the bride’s gown
reflecting
the autumn sunset

Again, i chose this couple because they work with the same subject, but the feelings of the two haiku are distinctively different. The first haiku focuses more on simply placing the author in a serene, peaceful night. It could be a comment on the collaboration of nature — how everything is connected, and the cosmos ends up in your backyard swimming pool. The second haiku focuses more on movement — the key word seems to be "ripples". The author paints a beautiful image of the night sky on a water-curtain, blowing gently in the breeze. I also noticed the different feelings i recieved from "the swimming pool" and from "the pond". The pond seemed more natural, maybe the author was on a hike, or in a park at night. Haiku is a very subtle art . . . the simplest change . . . Emily

Stifling night
The stars are still
In the swimming pool

watching you
from across the room
          with her

has feeling, but needs more context to make it a poem. what kind of room is it changes everything

watching you
from across the pew
          with her

watching you
from across the party
          with her

tip-toeing
away from camp
to skinny dip

Nichole Johnson (2)

Ok, but just a single image. This is half a haiku. Add the rest:

tip-toeing away from camp
to skinny dip
[                     ]

still night
tip-toeing away from camp
to skinny dip

escaping the chill
under your jacket
my arms around your waist

Katie Steimann (4)

I enjoyed this haiku because it was so comfortable. There is nothing like being with a person you care about deeply and it is even more special when you can share a moment with someone such as being cold and warming each other up. The little moments are what makes big moments better. The little moments are what people remember. And the little moments are what haiku is all about. This one was so simple yet it gave me such a big feeling of comfort and love. Regan

What can I say, I’m a sucker for love poems - though only those done right. This one is done right. I love the contrast of the chilly wind to the man’’s warmth. I especially love the vision of her arms around his waist, beneath his jacket. It’s like he’s allowing her further into his psyche, in a way, or even highlighting where the couple had been many times before in terms of closeness. This is wonderful. Joanne

Does the metaphor of "escaping" really help capture the intentions of the author here? Is it really about escaping or heat seeking?

the warmth
under your jacket
my arms around your waist

the chill
my arms around you
under your jacket

But escaping does have a sense of refuge and comfort and protection under your jacket in the original.

the autumn
wind carries
voices and laughter

ok

the autumn wind
carries voices and
laughter

laughter
floats
on the autumn breeze

the autumn wind
carries with it
unknown voices

music playing
it's only me
and the Dance

why is the dance capitalized? what kind of music and dance? is this joyful?

empty studio
it's only me
and the dance

I just wondered if this one had anything to do with “The Dance” by Garth Brooks? :) Joanne

dancing
to the music
alone

music playing
it's only me
I dance

Alone
music plays
I dance

music playing
in the background,
i dance alone

sprinklers
I take off my glasses
to dry them off

Abby Kavanaugh (2)

I love this one. It’s so ordinary, and she’’s able to capture the extraordinary through something so common. It’s funny how things like sprinklers go unnoticed until they mess with your ability to see. Maybe we all need to stop a moment to dry our specks off— metaphorically, anyway. Joanne

Sprinklers
I wipe the waterdrops
From my glasses

stories about childhood
he stops—
a classic car

not clearly expressed. does the story stop or the car? does the classic car stop first, starting up a story

a classic car
in the drive through . . .
grandpa's starts a story

Grandpa tells stories
Passing the time
In his classic car

squatting on the sidewalk
content to watch
a mound of busy ants

Emily Evans (2)

You will probably know why I chose this haiku as one of my favorites immediately. It is so simple. This haiku brings me back to childhood when there was nothing more important then enjoying the moment you were in. Many times I would do just what this describes, admiring the mini-society beneath my feet. When I first read it I was eager to shorten it, but I think that the way the author has it written is very affective. It would not have the same feeling or association in a shortened state. I especially like the word “content,” to me it makes the haiku. Katie

some potential here, but who is squatting?

a busy ant hill
the young boy
squats to watch

squatting to watch
the busy ants
a young boy

the toddler squats on the sidewalk
content
to watch the busy ants

mist in the eucalyptus
my aunt tells stories
smiles where her wrinkles are

has potential but too much so what matters most here?

we listen to Aunt’s stories
sitting among the eucalyptus
and mist

a single petal
floats away
tears

too abreviated (just half a haiku) can't tell the significance

the last petal
covered by tears
. . . he loves me not

tears
float away
a single petal falls

after a few drinks
I sleep
among the roses

Lea Evers (2)

I love this haiku. You can tell that the narrator has had more than just a few drinks and passed out in a rose bed. And, although the image is serene on the surface, roses have thorns and sleeping in them should be very painful. However, the narrator is too drunk to notice. I like how this haiku gets across so much information in such an ironic way. Nichole

I’m still unsure of why I love this haiku so much! The last line tastes so sweet as you read it aloud. Plus I can really relate to many nights of similar experiences. The blooming of the roses at the end really give this haiku life. I love it! Abby

ok

Friday night
with the girls
he sends us drinks

Lea Evers (3)

shuffling notecards
and just one woosh . . .
goosebump

I don't understand this one.

my notecards
shuffling
in the evening breeze

I loved the last line of the haiku, and the image of "shuffling notecards". The author is working with a wonderful moment, but I felt the second line needed a little more strength to convey nervousness, or describe the goosebumps. I also changed the ellipses to the beginning of the third line, to represent goosebumps, and add a little more space between lines. Emily

variations:

shuffling notecards
the sound of my name!
...goosebumps

shuffling notecards
quick rain over skin
...goosebumps

hiking ahead
he blends in perfectly—
lonely mountain valley

Emily Evans (3)

Nice. This haiku has depth and movement. It expresses emotion without stating it.

Modern Haiku publication award, awarded by Lee Gurga, Editor of Modern Haiku.

hint of dawn, leaving
last night owl
        whooo . . .

needs to be clarified. perspective missing. whose leaving where?

as the sun rises
the last night owl
glides away
        who oo . . .

first hint of dawn
the night owl flies
        who oo . . .

whoo . . . the owl retires
as he spots
a hint of dawn

crisp fall air
breathe deep
e  x  h  a  l  e

Abby Kavanaugh (5)

ok

on the sidewalk
glass blending
with the rain

Katie Steimann (3)

This haiku seems so sad and dismal. It’s raining and cold out and something has shattered all over the ground. I picture someone huddled in a soaked jacket walking down a sidewalk in the rain and noticing glass as it crunches under his feet. I also picture the man as being in a sad mood and the whole image is very melancholy. Nichole

break from sledding—
writing our names
with yellow snow

Rick Bearce (5)

tearing lettuce
i realize everything
tears fall into the bowl