raking leaves
breeze on my cheek
laughter in my eyes

raking leaves
into my neighbor's yard
laughter in my eyes

raking leaves
back into a pile
laughter in her eyes

This one is nice because it makes me wonder what the person is thinking about. I think it would be cool if the person were thinking about what happened to cause him to have to rake the leaves. Maybe they were already in a pile and his/her children decided to jump in and roll around. Now the mess has to be cleaned up again, but you just don't mind after seeing your kids do that. That's my interpretation at least. Nate

a breeze filled with laughter
as we
. . . rake the leaves

autumn memories
dancing
among the flames

summer memories
dancing
among the flames

I love this haiku simply because I can relate. At the conclusion of every summer, my friends and I get together at someone’s house and have a big bonfire to reminsice and enjoy the last glow of summer. However, if the word “autumn” were changed to “summer” the term “memories” would apply better. Goli

memories dance
in the flames
autumn

memories
dance upward
with the flames

among the flames
autumn memories
dancing

Another day
alone without
her anymore

alone
another day
without her

I could actually hear the pain inside the voice of the poet. The poem is brief and simple, yet is so heavy with emotion, that the weight of the poem greatly surpasses its length/word usage. Still, the words “another” and “anymore” seem a bit repetitive, so if the lines were rearranged, and the word anymore eliminated, in addition to an elipses to add a suspensive, heavy pause, the poem would be wonderful. Goli

I like this poem. Is it more like a senryu than a haiku? I do not see any images than a single man who looks distressed because he has lost a relationship. The poem expresses loneliness very well. Amy

another day . . .
i'm alone
without her kiss

Alone;
another day
without her

on the third branch
a green grasshopper . . .
sings

singing
on the third branch
a green katydid

singing
on the third branch
a green grasshopper?

singing
on the third branch
. . . a green grasshopper?

singing
on the highest branch—
a green grasshopper!

on the third branch
a green grasshopper . . .
sings

I just like the imagery that goes with this one. I do kind of like how it gets so particular as to the location of the insect. Also, I like the use of the word "sings" because you usually don't think of the noise insects make as singing, but it puts a nice twist to it. Nate

I hoped for new grass
instead:
I watched the birds have their lunch

no new grass
instead
birds eating lunch

vacant men’s room
marveling at the spacious interior
of the handicapped stall

spacious interior
vacant men’s room
the handicapped stall

I enjoyed this one. I know when I am lugging a bag full of books, I always use the handicapped stall. It seems to be a bit devious due to the fact that you would get a ticket for using the handicapped parking spaces. Kristen

the light of dawn
brings
new wings

new wings
brought
by the light of dawn

underneath the world
chillin
just . . . chillin

underneath the busy world
chillin
just . . . chillin

beneath the kitchen
chillin
just . . . chillin

kindergarten open house:
crayon leaf prints
on construction paper

crayon leaf prints
on construction paper:
a kindergarten open house

his old work shirt
hung up for display
on the scarecrow

As for the new scarecrow renditions of my haiku, I liked each one very much. However, the one that stood out the most to me is:

autumn afternoon
the scarecrow
modeling his old work shirt

I like the word “modeling.” It makes it seem like the scarecrow is proud -- this work shirt symbolizes something of importance. I was trying to convey that with the word “display” but this is very nice.

—Carrie Seymour

the scarecrow
dressed up
his favorite work shirt

The images of the "old workshirt" and "the scarecrow" in this haiku are very concrete. I enjoy being able to visualize those two images. In class we talked about how "hung up for display" may not be the best second line for this haiku, so here are two edits:

his old work shirt
tattered and worn
on the scarecrow

his old work—
shirt worn
by the scarecrow

the scarecrow’s
dressed up
in his old work shirt

autumn afternoon
the scarecrow
modeling his old work shirt

This one makes me think of a retired worker. He has worked his entire life and knows the value of a dollar. Under other circumstances, he would never waste a good shirt. However, today he has given in to the pleas of his grandchildren. His good old work shirt now hangs on their scarecrow. Kristen